This blog was going to be a private blog, meant for myself only, but i'll share it with you as well.
Father,
Before I say anything,
I just want to say,
It's only been a month
and this is a long journey already.
and I haven't even launched yet.
This week has been filled with
unexpected plans,
answered prayers,
conviction,
suffering,
loss,
exhaustion,
sacrifice,
frustration,
beauty,
revelation,
renewal.
but, today, I'm so whiny.
I'm tired.
I'm impatient.
I have been rude to a lot of customers.
to my sweet, loving, encouraging, patient roommate.
I feel so burdened from my sin.
I'm drained.
The last few days, I've felt like a zombie,
I tried explaining my feelings to a few friends and I explained it as "i'm having an out of body experience." meaning I was there, but my mind was completely shut down.
And the more I think about how I treated Marina in the moments she needed me, the more I hate how I feel.
She needed a hug, why did I not quit being so hard headed and self centered and set my computer aside and go hug her?
She needed to talk, I knew this, why did I ignore that and talk about myself or say nothing at all to her?
She needed to be comforted, and I wanted nobody to be around me, not even her.
She needed prayer, why didn't I embrace her and lift her up to You on her behalf?
how selfish I am.
I'm having a hard time allowing people to love me.
I'm having a hard time loving the people that love me. Ironic right?
I'm having a really, really hard time letting people that hurt me, support me.
Gosh, I'm having a hard time forgiving. Jesus help me forgive just as you have forgiven me.
I'm having a hard time getting to know new friends because I don't like saying goodbye, when I know I need them.
Gosh, how badly I need community, girls, and fellowship.
So, because I have a hard time saying goodbye, I'm beginning to push people away already.
Jesus, don't let me…
I'm having a hard time being vulnerable, always.
I'm having a hard time setting my own wants and needs aside and serving despite of myself.
I told You,
"I'm tired."
and so You said: "So? you need to get used to it. My journey for you is tiring, but I will give you rest in needed time."
I said: "I'm impatient because I'm tired, and everyones annoying me."
And You said: "When you go to proclaim MY name, is this how you're going to treat your teammates? My people?"
and just like that I'm convicted. bleh.
but a wise man once told me, (Chris qualls, SHOUT OUTTT Go read his blog: www.chrisqualls.theworldrace.org)
"conviction for the purpose of correction is a blessing."
So thank You.
right now,
I hear You say,
"will you drink from me? I will give you restoration and peace. I will give you rest. I will lift your burden from you just as I did for you when you met me, just as i did for you in May, just as I did for you sunday, just as I do for you daily. That is why I came. I had you in mind."
Father, I will.
You thought of me when you was in anguish on that cross.
You bled for the purpose that I can be with you forever, not only that… but so I can spend every waking second with You till You bring me home.
Today, I choose to find peace and rest in that. I won't let me get in the way of what He has planned for today.
I won't let my self pity get in the way of the JOY and GRACE that He pours out so freely.
I will choose to put you before myself. To love you and serve you well. Whatever that may look like today.
I will choose to forgive you– despite how badly that kills my pride. I am not called to be prideful. I am called to love you well.
Despite the fact that I'm tired and burdened, I will REST in the fact that I've been freed and I am NO LONGER chained to the sin that has burdened me for so long.
I am pure and highly favored by the Father, by my Lover, by my Peace.
Amen
