Grieving My Losses: Grandparents

I'm preparing to go speak at a church next Wednesday to raise funds for this trip. It's the first church that has asked me to come speak. It's my Grandparents' church.

My grandparents, Joan and RL, were 2 of the most incredible people I've ever known. RL (whom I called Pawpaw), died when I was young- maybe 8 or 9. My mother, brother, and I moved in with my grandmother right before I turned 11, and I got the incredible privilege of living with and getting to know my incredible Grandma. We lived together until I left for college and then, in a tragic arc of events, she passed away after a long battle with a bad heart at the very beginning of my sophomore year.  It was the single most painful thing I've ever gone through, by a lot. She was one of my dearest friends.

Every time I think of her, I cry. Most of the time it's a weeping/sobbing kind of cry, and not a "adorable few tears" kin of way.

I'm crying right now.

As I'm preparing to go back home, to walk into the church she went to for her entire married life (which was a loooong time), to stand and look at people I haven't seen since her funeral- people who grew up with her, who loved her, whom I associate with her (and with him, too, for that matter), I'm finding that I'm beginning to have nightmares.

Last night I had terrible nightmares about the loss of my grandparents- ways that they did die, and ways that they didn't (but did in these dreams). I had nightmares about the pain they suffered, both real and imaginary, and other scenarios of tragedy. I woke up this morning with a terrible knot in my stomach and tears racing down my face. I haven't woken up crying in a long while- this was really startling to me.

I'm still not sure why all this is happening- I'm sure it has a lot to do with going back to that church. I went there for years with my grandmother after my grandfather died. It holds a lot of memories.

But I also haven't been back in nearly a decade.

So why is this such a big deal?

The best I can guess is that I haven't properly grieved the loss of my grandparents, and it's causing some serious backlash. It has been years and years and years since the two of them passed away, and one would assume that's plenty of time to heal the heart. But as my pastor said a couple Sundays ago, "Time does nothing to heal wounds. You have to be intentional about them." And I guess I've just been letting time slip by in the hopes that I won't miss them as serverely anymore.

And so I guess I'm going to have to really sit down and figure out what it is that is causing me so much sadness- why I'm still missing them both, and pining for them both. It will take time-but time on purpose. Intentional Time. And I think I'm prepared to deal with it.

Maybe I don't really want to let go… Maybe I'm worried that letting go of the pain will mean letting go of how sharp their memories are, and I don't want them to fade. Maybe I'm worried people will think I didn't love them as much, or it doesn't matter to me that they aren't with me anymore. I'm not sure.  But what I do know is that this is causing a sustained problem in my life. Do you know I can't walk into nursing homes without erupting into uncontrollable weeping? I can't look at older people without feeling a sharp pain in my chest. These are seriously debilitating problems! If I don't deal with this- if I don't grieve these losses properly, there is going to be a time on the Race where I am rendered impotent- completely useless to the Lord.

I love my grandparents with a love that never ends. I know I will see them again and, together, we will praise our Lord and worship for all eternity. But I have to let them go now. Because the Lord clearly needs me on earth right now, and useful- and not emotionally or mentally with my beloved grandparents. This is a foothold the devil is using to stop the advancement of the Kingdom in my life. And I haven't recognized that until I woke up this morning from those horrid dreams.

I love you, Grandma and Pawpaw. I will until the end of time. But I have to let this pain and pining fade, so that I can still be useful here. We're both serving the Lord, you and I- and I'll take my comfort in that, until I see your beloved faces again. I love you both.