Not of marijuana. Not of alcohol. Not of prescription drugs. Not of meth, nor cocaine, nor any other illegal drug. And not even of sex.
But I was still an addict.
I was hooked on a disgusting little thing called: DEPRESSION.
Suicidal thoughts consumed every second of my days. It controlled any and all situations of my life. Regardless of the outcome, good or bad, my addiction found a way of creeping in and dragging my soul into a very, very dark hole.
Everyday I would wake up wishing I hadn't. I would have to think really hard about one thing I could look forward to in order to get out of bed. It was tiring. I was exhausted.
Therapy and meds didn't help. In fact, I grew more conscious, disconnected and hopeless. I thought "this is who I am. Some people are different. But I'm this way. And God made me like this".
Years went by, my life still in shambles, but I started going to church again. At that point, I had exceeded all my options and was running out of places and people to turn to. That's when I got word that a friend passed. I was in such a bad place, my first reaction was to envy him. I wanted to go! It was my time, not his. At his Funeral Service, I heard his brother say how much Eric loved life. And that made me so angry. How come he, whom loved life had to go, and I had to stay? It seemed so unfair. God seemed so confusing.
A month later, I volunteered to go on a trip with the youth group of my church as a chaperone to a Christian music festival called Creation. I had no idea why I was going. I was so incompetent to "lead" anyone, specially teenagers.
I didn't know anyone on the trip and I felt incredibly uncomfortable the whole time. But I had run out of options, and it seemed like God had something to say. Hesitantly, I got myself ready to listen. And He spoke. A lot.
During one our devotionals, I came across this passage in John 3:3
"Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born again he cannot see the kingdom of God.”
I prayed "Father, I don't like ME. Can you make me different? Can I really be born again? Can I really live out this Kingdom as a new creation?"
He answered my prayer. My death wish that day was transformed and given new meaning. Suddenly, all my fears were gone and there was nothing I wanted to do more than to die, and I did. I buried my addiction and suicidal spirit, and a tombstone was put over it that said "REDEEMED".
Later that night, we watched Skillet perform a song called "The Last Night" which is about someone who wants to commit suicide and God tells them:
This is the last night you'll spend alone
Look me in the eyes so I know you know
I'm everywhere you want me to be.
The last night you'll spend alone,
I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go,
I'm everything you need me to be.
I never cried so much in my life. But from that day forward, I have known a new self. I can one hundred percent say I am a new person. It wasn't and it isn't easy. But there isn't one day where I say it wasn't worth it.
I am now filled entirely with JOY!
At Training Camp, a person of authority with AIM, came up to me and said he could see the Lord's joy in me. That it was real, and that it was awesome! I couldn't believe my ears. A complete stranger thought I was a happy person? He obviously doesn't know me, I thought. For a second I let doubt seep in, but quickly I was reminded who my God is!
In the shower (only place for quiet time) that night I thanked the Lord for making me into this new creation. One who knows the meaning of happiness!
I am no longer an addict of depression.
What excites me most about the World Race is I get to spread this JOY with more people, all over the world.
And eventually, all the poor and powerless, and all that hurt with nothing left, will know that He is holy…
-A
If you're having a hard time finding joy today…and perhaps you're just as exhausted as I was; looking for fulfillment in all the wrong places. This His will for you:
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
(Matthew 11:28-30)
