(written Monday the 18th)
Yesterday when I was watching another amazing
Nicaraguan sunset I felt like God wanted more of that. More stillness and
silence. It was confirmed after reading Hebrews 4:1 “Therefore, since the
promise of entering his rest still stands, let is be careful that none of you
be found to have fallen short of it.” So today I am resting and fasting before
the Lord (with some loud Latin music blaring from the kitchen in the
background).
God has brought some issues up in me that I
wanted to process and begin to address. Funny how when you are digging more
into HIm and His holy presence that the Spirit brings out the issues to be
dealt with so you can enter more fully into that presence.
The 1st issue was brought up in Palenque and
that is my acceptance issues. I talked about them some in my past blogs and it
annoys me I still have this issue in my life. I am confident with my identity
in Christ and I thought I had dealt with those already in my past. I guess some
past pains are so deeply rooted that they become a part of us. I know that
Christ can conquer those pains. But it is a trigger point for me so knowing
that about myself and not trying to deny it makes me more prepared. God wants
to battle with me every time I have to go to war with those thoughts. I can do
all things through Christ who gives me strength!
The next lie God wanted me to deal with was to
change my definition of simple. One day at our daily team meeting we were all
going around checking in. I had nothing. Everyone else had a deep, insightful,
spiritual lesson learned. I was thinking geez how do we have something
everyday. So when I shared that I don’t always go to the places their brains go
and have deep lessons learned everyday…I started crying. CRAP. Here is another
lie I have believed about myself. I viewed myself as simple minded and that the
word simple has a negative meaning. My old friend always tried to simplify her
life and to live and be simple. I thought she was illy. Simple is boring (lie
in my head). God wants me to see simple as beautiful. I am not complicated. I
see things pretty much at face value. My brain does not run 100 mph and thank goodness.
God made me to be me and to love who I am. Simply beautiful. Thank you for
freeing me of expectations I had of myself. Simply freeing.
Simple…not such a bad word after all.
The last one is the hardest. God is calling me
to love someone in my life in a completely new and different way. The ‘love’ I
showed this person in the past was not love. It was judgement, rejection, and
ugliness. I viewed myself as better than this person. LIE!! I want to get over
myself once and for all. NO more pretty words. Make it real. Break me free of
the lies. Take them all. I do not want to cling to them anymore. So today I
begin to learn how to love through Christ’s eyes and not my own because I am
blind. But through Christ I see.
So there it is. All my ugly crap for you to see.
I’m over looking pretty for others. When you see me- see it all. See the lies I
have believed of being rejected, simple, and thinking I am better than others
(funny the 1st and 3rd are opposites). And see the truth that God is instilling
in me: I am accepted, simple is beautiful, and to love as Christ loves you.
I now get to end the day of silence by sharing
all these lessons with my team. I end the fast by taking communion with my
family. Know this- SIMPLY – God is good!
anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!”
