“You must be so excited!” I get this almost daily in one form or another. I do the expected thing and cordially smile and nod my head in agreement. I have straight up lied on multiple occasions saying “yes! Im so excited!” I guess I just feel that if I was honest and told people how I really felt they would think I was not thankful for this experience or something. That is not the case at all. I am blown away that God has called me to this. Its not that I have never been or ever am excited about The World Race. Its just that preparing for the World Race (and Im sure being on the World Race) is like being on a roller coaster of emotions.
I got home from training camp 26 days ago…thats when it got real. I realized that in just 11 weeks, I would be saying goodbye to my family, who I love so so so much, my friends, everything that makes me comfortable and everything that I know. 11 WEEKS!! (now just under 8 weeks). That’s not that much time guys! Time that seemed like it would need to be filled with fundraising and getting all of the things left on my list. I felt overwhelmed with the need to balance what had to be done and spending these precious few months I have left with my family and friends. I was in my head saying “It’s too soon, I don’t want to go…It’s not exciting, it’s going to be the most uncomfortable year ever”
Soooo…in my overwhelmed, fearful state, I shut down a little bit. I just sort of numbed myself to it either way for the last week or so. I was turning to my old comforts instead of God. I knew that I couldn’t handle it so I just wasn’t going to try. (I am so thankful for the grace of God, that he didn’t allow this one to go on very long.)
Then, this afternoon I got an email from my mobilizer saying that there has been a change in our route. Chile will be taken off of our route and we are adding Ecuador. I had a huge grin on my face as I read this. I was almost crying out of happiness. I have absolutely no idea why I had this reaction. It’s not like it has always been a dream of mine to go to Ecuador or something… I also had a huge wave of love for my squad and team come over me today. I spent some time this morning thanking God for them and getting antsy to see them all. I am, out of no where, EXCITED! I am excited to share the Gospel around the world with the beautiful men and women on the P-Squad!
See what I’m saying about a roller coaster of emotions?
Even through these ups and downs, I have never once legitimately doubted that this is what I should be doing. That this is where God wants me. I never ever considered deferring or backing out. I have had a peace even in my overwhelmed state.
Why? Because I don’t have to do it alone. I have Jesus. I am being empowered by the Spirit to go out and do the work that God has for me to do, He will comfort me in my home-sickness, He will provide, and He will be patient with me when I don’t listen and give up. I know that this roller coaster won’t stop here. I’m going to let myself feel the things that I feel…its normal.But, I will cling to Him while I do.
