Jesus,
I knew Malaysia would be a difficult month from the moment I
stepped off the plane. The first night we spent there, I felt the presence of
the enemy. When my teammates all left to get on the internet, I stayed in the
room alone, excited to spend time with You. The second I was alone, fear
overtook me. I felt like I wasn’t alone. All I could do was look over my
shoulder to make sure no one was behind me waiting to attack.
After this night, I realized Satan was trying to keep me
from You. He was looking for any open door of weakness where he could step in
to fill my head with lies.
There was one night in particular where You revealed the one
lie Satan had been telling me the majority of my life: that I should be afraid.
I see it so clearly now, Lord. All my life I have been afraid of speaking in
front of people, regardless of how many or how few people are present. I have
been afraid to speak, afraid to be vulnerable, afraid to share my thoughts.
When You opened my eyes to see that fear was controlling my life, all I could
do was weep.
I thought being afraid was merely part of who I was. I
learned to accept that fear was a part of my life and always would be. Until
You stepped in and opened my eyes. You told me that the fear was not from You. You
revealed to me that there is so much more
You have for me.
Father, I can feel You slowly clipping off the parts of me
that are not a part of who You made me to be. The fear is fading away. The
voices that used to tell me what I had to say wasn’t good enough, that others
had better ideas, that others had more important feelings, that what I had to
say wasn’t worth sharing, that I’m not an eloquent speaker. . .these voices are
beginning to vanish.
Jesus, You are teaching me that I have a voice. You are
teaching me how to step out of the fear that I’ve lived in for so long and step
into freedom. You are showing me that You created me not to have a spirit of
timidity, but one of boldness.
As my team moved around to countless churches and orphanages
throughout Malaysia, You gave me opportunities to step into freedom by using my
voice. Holy Spirit, You urged me to preach an hour long sermon to children
about the armor of God. You gave me so much passion and excitement as I spoke
to a congregation about the power of Your name that the church broke out in
applause for You. You decided to use me to lead worship for 30 orphans, and
together we encountered Your Spirit and Your love and all raised our hands in
praise to You.
Father God, while the month was filled with exhaustion,
oppression from Satan, homesickness, and continually moving from place to
place, all I can see now is Your faithfulness and intense love. Jesus, no
matter how difficult circumstances may seem, You use every situation to draw me
nearer to Your heart.
You are molding me into the person I am meant to be – the
person You created me to be. It’s in my weakness that I find Your strength.
It’s in my struggles that I see Your ultimate plan of redeeming Your children,
Your ultimate plan of Love.
So Jesus, all I can say is thank you. Thank you for rescuing
me from drowning in fear. Thank you for showing me freedom. Thank you for
covering me in Your love. Thank you for helping me discover the abundant life
You offer. Thank you for making me give up my life at home so that I would
realize my life is not my own.
I am nothing without You, Lord Jesus. I have never been so
in love with You. I have never seen my purpose in life so clearly. All I want
to do the rest of my life is chase after You. I want to know You, I want to see
You, I want to hear You.
And I want to see the
rest of the world fall at Your feet, Sovereign Lord.
