I am…
I am a Sinner.
I am a Cutter.
I am an Eating Disorder.
I am a Judger.
I am a Hater.
I am Full of Pride.
I am Obsessive Compulsive.
I am always Anxious.
I am overwhelmed.
Hi, my name is Amy and I have been and am all of the above and then some. Last month in Thailand, I couldn’t write a blog. I had lots to say and nothing to say. Thailand was a month of growth. Going into Thailand I had been told, and God had prepared me for a month of tough stuff. I thought many of the above items had been dealt with, I was wrong. The enemy is so evil and he through those things at me so fast, my head was spinning at first.
In college I struggled with an eating disorder and self harm. I started cutting at the end of my junior year of college. I had struggled with anerxia and bulemia off and on. My senior year I was completely overwhemled. Thoughts controlled me. I couldn’t stop obsessing over details of my life. Anxiety took over. Every day was a struggle. Thankfully, I had some amazing friends who saw my struggle and helped me get help. I relasped the year after I graduated after loosing my job, but on May 8th, 2008 I stopped for good. I haven’t cut or purged in over 5 years. I thought I was good.
In Nicaragua, I was basically in forced anerxia because I was hardly allowed to eat anything our host gave us. I ate maybe 500 calories a day. I didn’t think about it till the Philippines when having lost close to 30 pounds, I started to eat normally. The thoughts started to creep in my head, not too loudly but they were there. At the end of the month I was starting to lose focus. I had withdrawn from my team, from God. I was starting to be consumed. I had no idea until it was almost too late. God is good. My team leader at the time, Liz, is a good friend of mine. She called me out on some things that were related but not visibly related. I confessed to my team at debrief in Pattaya, Thailand what was happening. They hugged me, cried with me, and loved me. They didn’t judge me.
Going into Thailand I knew what I was facing. I’d be facing everything I had fought before and then some. God brought a couple other sins and things I was struggling with to light. In Thailand, I faced them head on. Daily, I had to take every thought captive just as we are told to do in 2 Corinthians 10:5.
“…and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.” (NASB)
Every day, I made myself eat and took captive the obsession with self-worth, and pride. It was hard. I thought I had made it through coming into this month, Cambodia. The first week in though I failed. I started to withdraw from my team. I was present physically, but mentally I would be a million miles away. God is good though.
I am learning who I am in Him. See, often we think our past defines us, or once we’ve moved past things we’re over it. We don’t always realize there’s been residue that Satan will use to trip us up. My past doesn’t define who I am. Who I am is defined by my savior Jesus Christ. He gave up His life so I can have life abundantly.
“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.” (John 10:10 NASB)
Christ has forgiven me for my sins. He knows all the dirty details and I’m forgiven. This is still a struggle for me but I am learning more everyday about who I am in Christ.
I am a Sinner.
I am Forgiven.
I am a Cutter.
I am Redeemed.
I am an Eating Disorder.
I am Made in HIS Image.
I am a Judger.
I am Worthy.
I am a Hater.
I am Loved.
I am Full of Pride.
I am a Child of God.
I am Obsessive Compulsive.
I am with the Overcomer.
I am always Anxious.
I am Provided For.
I am overwhelmed.
I am Free.
