Throughout the Race, as you all may know, there have been plenty of times where I have wanted to quit.
I mean really quit.
There have probably been more days that I have thought about leaving rather than staying and toughening it out.
I recently emailed an AIM woman about everything that was going on and why I just wanted to give up. Here are some of the things that were overwhelming me in Laos:
Community is too close.
Expectations of myself at PVT (Parent Vision Trip).
Logistics fatigue.
Team stress.
Me and my twins birthday is coming up (the first time in 23 years that we won’t be together)
Being body and weight conscious. (all girls team, it happens)
After realizing and reflecting on my month 6 in Laos, I realized that I am creating the problems.
I am the one who has let everything feel like they are weighing me down. I am the one who has not surrendered my sufferings to the Lord. I am the one who is too stubborn to let people help me through this.
I am the one who almost reached out too late. I am the one who wouldn’t give myself grace in any aspect of my life. I am the one who put way too much expectation on the Race. I am the one who put pressure on myself to come back this completely new person.
I am the problem.
As, I came into debrief here in Bangkok, Thailand, I realized I was starting to spiral into my depression stage again. I couldn’t do it anymore and HAD to reach out before the depression took over me. That is when I received this God sent email.
Here is what some of it said:
“I know your life is immensely different.
The World Race is an oven.
And, for months, Racers cook and bake and have to change from some raw ingredients into an entirely different thing. The Race doesn’t provide a lot of relief.
It wasn’t created to do that.
This process?
You’re right where you’re supposed to be.
Pain and all.
Are you frustrated? Tired? Feeling a tad alone?
This is the stuff the Lord uses to help us see some stuff in us that is hidden back in America, underneath comfort, lattes and independence.
This stuff that’s broken in you?
It’s created to come out.
To be healed.
If you want to go home a changed person, these are the kinds of things you have to face and choose to stop running from. You have to press into the pain and hope that Jesus will be your healer. You have no guarantee the pain will stop. That the relief will come.
You, however, have the guarantee that you’ll come out changed. Because you prayed big prayers before you left on the Race. Because God is God. And, because he loves you and sees you and is inviting you into who you actually are…apart from your wounds and pain.
You are so much more than you pain.
or your anger.
or your frustration.
You are more than your wounds.
or who your brokenness tells you you are.
You are an incredible woman of God who was created to change the earth.
You have gifts that aren’t limited by logistics.
You are the embodiment of kindness, love and grace.
And, you were created to do extraordinary things.
Thus, anything that’s unextraordinary in you gets to go.
It gets to be processed out.
It gets to be healed and redeemed.”
Wow.
I had no idea what to do with that email. There is an immense amount of wisdom in just a simple email.
So, what were the take aways from the email?
Amy, you are not crazy. You are right where God wants you. Pain and all.
I am more than what is going on inside and around me.
It is okay to realize I am going through a lot, but what I do with that is the trick.
The rest of the Race may not get easier, but I have to remember I have a reliever who cares for me and loves me despite my crazy mind.
I have people who love me and want to help, but I have to let those people in.
The Lord is shaping Amy for who He has truly made me to be.
Here is a verse that has been speaking life into me lately:
“when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.” James 1:2-3
What is steadfastness?
It means ‘firm in purpose; resolution, faith, adherence; unwavering; firmly fixed in place or prison.
So, in knowing what steadfastness means, what does the verse tell us?
To me, it tells me that through my trials and the testing of my faith, that is when I will find my purpose that is firmly rooted in the Lord. I become more and more firm in who the Lord has made me out to be.
The Lord is shaping and molding me to be this beautiful piece of art that firmly gives Him glory.
He is doing the same in your life. Are you going through trials? Is work testing you? Is your family making you want to go crazy?
That is when you have to choose to solely rely on the Lord and He will show you your firm stance that is in Him through the struggles.
May the Lord bring you through the trials more and more of the person He has made you out to be.
I hope all of that made sense. Thank you for all of the support, I cannot stress that enough. You all are amazing and I appreciate everything you have done for me during the Race.
Here is my Laos wrap up video! I hope you enjoy the wonderful ways the Lord has worked all month!
