I love being in control.
Some people say they like being in control, but I REALLY like being in control.
I like to be in control because it is a way that I can try and perform well.
I like to do well and be told that I’m doing well.
In my opinion, most people are like this.
But what would happen if that control got stripped away from you? You would be irritated and angry.
Well, that was my month. The control I like to have over my life was taken away from me and I turned to irritation and anger to try and keep some control (even though that makes no sense).
As you have read before, this month started off with my wallet getting stolen.
I have had no phone to be able to contact people back home.
I have to pull out my laptop anytime I want to talk to anyone and I have to have wifi (that is hard sometimes on the race when you are overseas and there is no wifi like American wifi).
I have had to use my friend’s card to get money out. I have had to wait for a new passport to come in from the states, travel 6 hours to where it was taken, get a new visa that was dated wrong to leave this country and then had to go to the closest border and pay for yet another visa to extend the last one that was saying I needed to leave the country on Christmas.
I wish I could go back and change that night where my wallet got stollen. I wish it didn’t happen to me. I wish I didn’t have to pay all of that money to get the passport, visas, and transportation to and from places to get it all figured out. I really wanted to control the whole situation.
Then, we got new teams. For the first four months, I was on a co-ed team that stretched me and loved me so well. Now, I am on an all girls team where we are starting over. We are learning each others triggers, love languages, things that make them tick, and all the other aspects of learning about new people. I want to be able to control the group and get everyone to month three or four together. I want our new team to automatically know each other and not have to go through all of the struggles to get there. I want to control the progress and health of my new team. I want to control the way people react to situations.
This month we worked with an amazing organization that loved on street kids! The staff would pick the kids up off the street around 6 am, bring them back to the center, bathe them, feed them, change them into their school clothes, take them to school, pick them up from school, feed them lunch, teach them english, play with them, help them with their homework and then take them back home to the streets. This is what happened each day. The staff was on the verge of burnout. My team was exhausted cause it was almost 11 hour days. Even in out ministry I wanted to control the team, the kids, and the organization. I wanted the team to give it their all like I do. I wanted the staff to do more for the kids. I wanted to control what was happening in everyone’s lives and how they did ministry.
The worst part is that I wanted to control my relationship with the Lord. I have such high expectations of where we should be after the race that may or not be met. I think that I have a say in situations that happen. I want the credit when things go right and blame others when something goes wrong.
Hello, my name is Amy, and I am a control freak and a human.
I have realized this month that I like controlling people and situations. I like to feel stressed and under pressure because I think that makes me work better. I like to perform well so people don’t see that I mess up. I like to seem strong all the time so that people don’t see me as a weak person.
I have also realized how much I have failed controlling my life, and how the Lord is the one who wins the prize of making my life a success.
The Lord kept me safe when my wallet got stolen when so many other circumstances could have happened.
The Lord kept my mouth shut when I wanted to yell at my team for not acting the way I think they should act.
The Lord gave me a tender heart for the kids and staff we worked with all month long.
The Lord had patience and grace with me when I wanted to take the reins on our relationship.
The Lord is teaching me that everything in life goes better when I, Amy, am not in control.
Not being in control has been a difficult lesson to learn because, like I said, “I love being in control”. This is a constant lesson I am learning day in and day out. It will be a lesson that I will never master but only learn more and more of as I fail and the Lord picks me right back up.
I am learning that if I give all the stress and worries of my day to the Lord, I am more joyful and willing to love others easier. It should be so easy to give away your worries to someone else, but it is one of the hardest concepts for me. I am learning how surrender is the hardest practice for me in my relationship with the Lord. I am realizing that surrendering jobs to others is hard for me as well, and I know it parallels with my relationship with God. I am figuring out that I don’t trust the Lord like I should and I am ready to step into a season of trust and surrender.
This month has been a challenging yet completely rewarding month filled with laughter, tears, fights, but a ton of joy! I cannot wait to see what this next month entails and what the Lord will show me!
Here is my new team: 7 Wonders
