Currently, my team joined all of the other 7 teams and we are having a squad debrief sort of program before we head to Ghana.
During this time together as a squad, I have been able to process this past month and how much has happened in less than 30 days.
One of the first days here, I sat down for the first time really all month and just sat with the Lord. I wept and wept. I realize how much of a rollercoaster month it has been.
There have been life changing moments throughout this month that the Lord have opened my eyes to. There have also been many rough days with the team or in ministry or even with myself. I look back at this month and think, “what did I even do?”
Like I have said many times, I am far from a crier (Well I thought I was). I have cried probably the most in the past two days than I have in the past year.
There are many realizations that have happened in a span of two days that is completely overwhelming. May thoughts run through my head about where I went wrong in this spot and where I need improvement in this spot. It has been a constant criticizing session being played in my head for two days.
Through those overwhelming days and moments, the Lord has surpassed all of the thoughts and just sat with me where I am in those moments. I can picture Him sitting right in front of me repeating the words “I am here.” Those words replay and replay in my head when all the thoughts crowd my mind. He is constant in those moments and I do not feel alone for the first time in a month.
It is a gentle voice and a comforting presence that is right in front of me when I want to throw in the towel and just go home because all of this is too hard.
It is a voice and presence that is saying, “You do not have to do this by yourself” and “Just take one thing at a time and surrender the rest to me to handle. I can help you. Let me help you Amy.”
Fun fact about me: I suck at surrendering.
I hate to forfeit anything or give up on anyone. So, that whole surrendering thing is not a trait that I have really had. I like my control over things because I think I can do them better than others or even God.
The Lord is definitely showing me how to start with surrendering one hand or even finger at a time. This is a process. Surrender is not going to happen overnight. It is a word that I have been fearful of my whole life. Surrender to me means failure, when it is the complete opposite in the Lord.
Surrendering is freedom. It is a chance to say, “Lord, I have been trying all my life to juggle everything that comes on my plate and I am failing.” But because I am stubborn, it is hard for me to release some the things on my plate to Him. I feel like I can conquer them all at one time. Wrongoooo!
I have failed at freedom time and time again and I am just now starting to learn my lesson. I am not living in freedom and I am realizing that I never truly have. That is a hard place to be in and in turn it has turned me away from the people around me. I have had a hard time being a team player on my team. I haven’t opened up very much or fully tried. I feel I am failing my team.
That freedom He has been pursuing me to join in Him is smacking me right in the face.
All I have to do to become free in the Lord is to take life one step at time and remember Him saying “Amy, I am here and I will never leave you.”
I am learning to take one problem at a time. I am walking in confidence that the things I am surrendering will be placed on a shelf and brought out at the right times when He wants to work on them.
I have to constantly remember that surrender is freedom. That freedom can only come from the Lord. Through that freedom, I can look at situations, hard feedback or even doubts and know truly in my heart that He is here.
He is here. He is constant. He will never leave. He is freedom. He is here.
“Trust God from the bottom of your heart;
don’t try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;
he’s the one who will keep you on track.
Don’t assume that you know it all.
Run to God! Run from evil!”
Proverbs 3:5-6
Here is my team of wonderful men and women of the Lord that love me when it is hard to be loved. We are in our wonderful UMC customized dresses and shirts the UMC in Cote d’Ivoire made for us as a gift. This has been a life changing month in ministry, myself, my team, but most of all the people we have encountered all month long. Thank you Lord for the good, bad, ugly and incredible moments that were shown this month.
Thank you all for the constant support and prayers! I can feel them daily! Thank you all!!
