Admiration or idolization: The confessions of a world racer..
Yep it's time for another confession. This time it's a bit different but just as raw and hard to confess.God is constantly calling me to be honest and vulnerable, not just to those on my team, but to those who read my blog as well.
This past week I have asked God to take away all the things in my life that hinder me from doing His will, the things that keep me from wholeheartedly loving and serving Him. It's time to starve myself from the things that I like but that are awful for my health. I have attempted this a couple times before, but this time is going to be successful, because I will not do it on my own. I can feel God watering the seeds He has planted in my life; it's time for them to take root. I will stumble and fall but He is going to pick me up when I do, brush off my knees and put me back on my feet.
I can't start this, until I confess my past sins. So here it goes.
Being on the race has truly been amazing. I have loved it and felt God has revealed and retaught me lessons. I have seen Him in new ways and have healed from old sins. But I have also gone back to some old habits I thought I was done with. I have been rebellious. I have been selfish. I have been self righteous. I have been conceited. I have been vain. I have loved with expectation. I have been in bondage with desire.
I don't know if any other gals who have had a crush on someone has had their thoughts run array like mine, but it's something that had put me in bondage for a good amount of the race.
I had just finished a tough season with my prior team. An issue that arose because of a relationship that started outside of community and under no authority. The friendship was "pure". We never discussed feelings or had impure conversations. We always talked about God and what God was teaching us. It seemed honoring to God to have this friendship. The problem with mixed gender relationships outside of authority is someone usually gets hurt or misled. Although this friendship was pure, it was not fully beneficial.
The sad thing about sin is it doesn't only affect the sinner, but it affects the community. This friendship ended up affecting our team. I don't need to get into too much detail with what happened, but I did allow the changes of this friendship to consume my thoughts. Why had it changed? Why weren't we able to be best friends like we once were? Was this the man God prepared to be my husband? Through many tears and tough conversations, God gently answered my question and the answer was no. Honestly, I was ok with that and actually was freed from my ongoing questions and thoughts. God taught me so much through this trial. I was on fire and thought I had overcome that obstacle. I was over letting a man get in my sight of Christ. I came for Christ to be glorified in my life. I came to serve Him, which did mean being single for 11 months, and I was finally ready to honor that.
My team changed and I had been told the other team I would be serving with. The other team had two men on it. I knew the enemies tactics and how he would try to trip me up again; I had my guard on. I was put on an all girls team and was ready to focus on those relationships. I was too familiar with my old self, and I was not going to put myself in that same situation.
And I hadn't. I had truly no desire to spend alone time or even much time with the males I was with. I remember talking to my teammate Carrie about how surprised I was at how easy it was for me to not get caught up in my old sin. I had felt God truly give me strength. I had thought I was standing strong, but I would soon realize that I had spoken too quickly .
No joke, the next day seeds were planted and my guard had slowly started to come down. I had started spending more time with a particular man. I had thought nothing of it because the time we spent together was going through the Bible, desiring to know more about the Holy Spirit, and it was fully pure. I had no intentions for anything more and I know he didn't either. Each day we would spend more time together, not even intentionally. We both have servant hearts and washed a ton of dishes together often. Suddenly, I started to realize that this man was fun to be around, funny, and has impeccable character. Usually I am the one that pursues relationship with others, but this time I hadn't pursued or worked for his attention. Once I began to think more in depth about it, I planted a seed that maybe this man has an interest in me. Let me tell you that once that seed was planted, it began to spread.
At first I was highly convicted at even desiring such a thing. I wanted to be faithful to God to really pursue Christ and not have a desire for someone else. I realized my appetite for attention had been aroused, and I despised it. God walked me through this a lot in the beginning. He reminded me that the characteristics I enjoyed in this man were only because of Christ in him. He was teaching me to glorify Christ because of those characteristics, not the person but the Creator. He reminded me that I didn't have to hold onto this particular man because He has created more than one.
In the beginning, it was easier to fight off the thoughts. But the problem is I didn't pick the full seed out, with its new roots and all, so it was still lingering in my heart. I still held onto a little of the hope in the back of my mind. I had come up with all the reasons God allowed such a relationship to build, and I would pull together similarities, and start to reason why this would be God's plan and the man God had for me. I saw little signs and ran with them. Mind you during this time, our relationship did not grow. If anything, it seemed like we never had a friendship.
This man did not pursue me. I was not one of the people he would first hug or talk to when we would reunite. During the month, there would be no messages or e-mails. The more I saw him interact with the other woman on the squad, the more I would realize that he treated them the same way he treated me the month I was with him. But I kept reassuring myself that it was different. I kept having a glimpse of hope that he was the man . I kept battling and wrestling. I knew what I wanted and didn't want to let go, but I also knew God and the words He was speaking to me, telling me to let go and to trust in Him.
During the months we were apart, I honestly was not consumed with thoughts. I had actually thought that I had let go of it. I was asking and seeking God diligently, wanting to trust God and not myself. I wanted to hope in God alone and not in hope of little signs here, but when I would see him again I was faced with that little seed of hope. It continued to infect my thoughts once again.
When I was in India, I had allowed God to bring more self-control and more desire for Christ. Before India, I would run at the opportunity to spend time with him. I remember in China he asked if someone wanted to lose at pool and like an idiot, I quickly replied "I DO!!" I realized after my response to his question that I was so willing to drop everything to spend time with him. I was hoping he would feel the same way I felt and any indication I could get, I would try for.
In India, God grew me. He showed me the prior actions and challenged me for growth so that month I didn't jump at every opportunity. I started to prioritize my time with God. I no longer desired to give my heart away but to fully give it to God. I still had that little bit of hope that it would end up the way I wanted. In Romania, God started growing me a little more, opening my eyes, telling me that the man he has for me will treat me differently than the other woman. He will pursue me, and I will know his affections for me, and this man had not shown me any of those signs or indications that his feelings were the same as mine. I started to be OK with that. I started accepting that, admitting my feelings, and asking God to push me to freedom and to honor Him.
I thought OK, I'm freed from this. I then find out the whole squad is together the next month, meaning I am going to be seeing this man a lot and have the opportunity to go back to where I was before. I knew the challenge I would be faced with, and I didn't want to sink back in. To be honest, I don't think this person has any idea about any of this because although my thoughts were array. Apart from the quick response to losing at pool, I had not pursued this man either. I had not allowed my thoughts to become my actions.
At the beginning of the month, I wanted to be able to have a true relationship with this man, a relationship without a desire for more. But it seemed impossible. I wanted and tried to avoid this person like the plague because I didn't know how to be in relationship with him in pure thoughts and desires, but it seemed that everywhere I looked and everywhere I went, he was there. I couldn't escape him. I couldn't hide from my thoughts; I had to face them. I knew what the enemy was trying to do; he was trying to steal my joy and steal my purpose from that month. Although I did struggle with my thought life and trying to bring pieces to a puzzle together that would end with him as my husband, God allowed me to have joy. He allowed me to serve in a school and to enjoy my month even in the midst of trial. He showed me through my thoughts the vanity that I have inside. Although I wanted so much to be away from this, I oddly ended up finding freedom. Just like the Israelites had to wander 40 years before getting into the Promised Land, I had to wander 7 months to get freed and purified. In this, God revealed a lot of sin in my life. He showed me that He cares more about the journey than the pace.
This month I feel freed from this relationship. I don't know how it happened but one night I felt a release. No, this man is not my husband. I,can laugh at all the ways I tried to make it work when it was clear that this man has had no feelings for me. It's crazy how daydreaming or trying to control certain outcomes really become one's reality, but it's so far off. It seemed so logical, but it was so far from the truth. It was so clear to others outside of my mind, but to me it seemed so practical.
Of course as a freedom comes, so do temptations to leave that freedom. The enemy is always standing outside the jail cell waiting to cuff you back up. Last month, all I desired was attention from the man I had a crush on, attention I once had I wanted again.
This month, the attention I wanted was given to me the first night I was here. A sweet Nicaraguan boy flooded me with compliments, and I was flattered. But God revealed the trap set in front of me, that it's the attention that starts this vicious cycle all over again. I realized that before I was given attention, I was fine without it, but once I get a little attention my appetite wants more and is never satisfied. This time I have it right away and once taken away, my cravings drive me wild. My prayer this month is to rid me of all attention or idols that try to take the place of God and that have me forget my first love, Christ.
My desire in writing this blog is that it would bring freedom to those of you who can relate to me or those of you whom have had crushes or have been boy-crazy like me since I was born. My prayer is that you would not feel alone, that God would bring you to a deeper dependence on Him, and that He would reveal the deeper issue. Ultimately, I pray that you would be most satisfied in Him :)!!
Xoxoxo,
Amie Gallegos
