Yesterday was the 11th anniversary of my mom’s death. I can’t believe it has been so long that I have been without her. My heart aches on days like today, when the sadness is overwhelming and it reaches to the depth of my being. I can’t help but think, why? Why me? Why her? Why would God let this happen in my life? Why would God let me have this pain if he loves me?
I will never know the answer to any of these questions. I will never know why my mom decided to take her own life. I will never know. But I do know two things for certain. God loved my Mom; God loves me.
Love is the reason for living.
John 3:16-17 “For God so loved the world he gave his one and only Son, so that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.”
Love is when my family comes to support me at my graduation ceremony. Love is having a family movie night and spending time together. Love is when you’re at church and the worship music is so powerful it brings tears to your eyes. Love is cuddling your dog on a slow Friday night. Love is getting a letter from a long distance friend. The biggest sign of love is the cross.
I Corinthians 13:4-7 “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres”
As I am transitioning from school to moving back home and to focusing more on my trip I can not help but feel the overwhelming love and support from my family and friends. I have been working on some fundraising ideas and I have shifted my gears from school to my trip! It will be really strange not going to school every day. It will be really strange moving back in with my Dad after not living with him for almost 4 years. It will be strange not getting a job in a salon right after school. It will be strange putting my life on hold for 9 months to share the love of Jesus to the nations. But I am excited; No- I am thrilled. I know that all of these “strange” things were not apart of my “life plan” but I am learning that my life plan is not always what God wants for my life.
Going away for 9 months is becoming more and more of a reality as I am gathering more support and more gear! It’s still a surreal process! I can not believe that I am going to Thailand, Guatemala, and Malawi for nine months! My heart is with all of these countries as I ready myself to leave. Not only does the poverty of each country bring my heart sadness but knowing that many of them have not heard about Jesus’ love for us deepens that sadness. I can not wait to see what God has in store for these 9 months I will be gone and in the months to come before my trip.
I have already grown close with my team and can not wait to meet them in person. Through video chatting and group texts we have become a family. This is love. Not even meeting these people I care so much about them. They are prayer warriors, supporters, and going to be some of the closest friends I will ever have. I can not wait to start my journey with these amazing Godly people.
I know that my Mom is proud of me and where I am today. I can’t help but think about all the Whys on days like today. I know my sadness is overwhelming at times but I am so thankful for all those that show me love and support me along my journey in life. I would not be the person I am today if it weren’t for the love shown to me.
Thank you for reading my blog! I know this one was a little heavier. But I am so thankful for YOUR love and support!
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With love,
Amber St Jean
