At the very beginning, I vowed to be vulnerable despite my incessant desire not to be.
So here is an honest attempt.
Here is my heart.
This month my team, along with another team, is living in bamboo huts in Phuket, Thailand partnering with the SHE foundation. SHE, which stands for Self Help and Empowerment, is an organization devoted to helping women and children at risk of being sex-trafficked. A big part of this month includes bar ministry in the red light district and I have never seen anything like it. It is overwhelming. It is heartbreaking. And watching these beautiful girls use their bodies as a source of attention the way they do makes me so deeply sad that I want to cry and vomit at the same time. But I expected it to be hard to comprehend. And I expected their insecurities to be exposed. But I never once expected to feel insecure myself.
This past week and a half have been some of the heaviest days I have ever experienced. In the past few days especially, my mind has been flooded with a lot of ridiculous lies. And even though I knew they were not true, I eventually began to believe them; leaving me an insecure mess. Lies telling me that I am not worthy. Or adequate enough since my relationship with God does not resemble those of others. That I am inferior because I do not have a lot of money. That specific people who claim to love me will stop once they really get to know me. That I am not capable of loving and pursuing my friends in the ways they deserve. That I do not make a difference here. That my foundation is not as firm as I had thought. And being laughed at every time I prayed depleted all the confidence I had left.
But all of those are lies.
Because the truth is that I am worthy. The truth is that I was fearfully and wonderfully made. That I am beautiful and loved unconditionally for exactly who I am. I have nothing to be ashamed of. And people really do love me—I should not be so apprehensive to let them. And they are not always going to leave. The truth is that I know my relationship with God and I know how real it is. And how I pray is perfect. I make a difference.
And even though I am still in the process of growing,
I am enough.
But more importantly, so are you.
Quick financial update: I am 74% funded! Thank you so much for all that have supported me! I only need $4,015 by January 1st to be fully funded and be able to complete the 11 months! Thank you to all of you who have already invested in me and have made this mission possible. All of you who feel led to give, click on the ‘SUPPORT ME, PLEASE” tab on the left side of my blog screen! Thank you and much love from Thailand!
