“This day is sacred to the Lord your God. Do not mourn or weep. Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is sacred to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength!”
-Nehemiah 8:9-11
I once made a “places I never really want to visit” list and India easily topped it. India- the hot, smelly, and overcrowded land full of bugs and people with snotty noses that I visually crafted in my mind. And it didn’t take me long to learn that saying my imagined perspective was false would be false. Because India is hot. And India is smelly. And India is crowded. And to say that India has bugs would be a significant understatement.
Here in Southern India, my team, along with another team from my squad, is partnering with a local special needs orphanage for the month. There are 107 orphans who have all been taken from the government orphanage and have been placed among five different homes. On our first day here, two of the foster moms took us to meet the children and show us the different homes. I was beyond excited, special needs orphanage- that’s like my thing. But much to my surprise, upon arriving, the excitement quickly vanished and I was left feeling no emotions. I felt completely heartless. I was completely numb. I had no desire to want to love on them- to even touch them. Or have them touch me. And I didn’t understand why my heart wasn’t breaking. Why was my heart not breaking? This was so unlike me. I didn’t get it. Maybe I was too overwhelmed to take it all in. Maybe the fact I had been guaranteed to get lice initially freaked me out. I didn’t know what it was but to say that I felt extremely horrible doesn’t do my feelings justice. I felt so bad for not feeling anything. And I honestly didn’t know if I could do it.
But I convinced myself that I was going to be okay. Because I know myself and I know that that wasn’t who I am. And the next morning when I woke up to us having no water causing the smell of poop to radiate throughout the house, I convinced myself that I was going to be okay. And as I walked downstairs and there was trash all over the place and I was reminded the difficulties of living in community, I convinced myself that I was going to be okay. And as I entered the kitchen and was greeted with ants covering all the food that had been left out, I convinced myself that I was going to be okay. But when I started to clean and a roach flew into my face, I wasn’t okay anymore.
I will go ahead and just be honest, I really didn’t know if I was going to make it. And I cried for a good five minutes. But once I regained my composure, I was reminded of one of my most favorite verses about how the Lord’s joy is my strength. And I remembered why I was here. And I felt like a fool for getting so upset. So, I decided to be joyful. It was the only way to get out of this place alive.
And it has made all the difference.
I think about that first day now and laugh because I still have no idea what was going on with me. It is crazy how opposite I am than I was that first day. The first five boys that I met that first day that intimidated me are now the five boys that I take care of every day- the five boys that I have completely fallen in love with. And now I pick the lice out of my kids’ heads with my hands because I would much rather me have it than them. And I have embraced my gag reflexes to the smell of poop and gladly scrub it off of the walls of the orphanage for hours because I never want another kid to have to live in that. And I have gotten over the fear of living amongst roaches, spiders, ticks, leaches, and lizards. And oiling our hair in the morning and picking it with the lice comb at night have become a form of team bonding. And I actually enjoy it.
I really have just learned how important it is to deny my flesh and live out of God’s joy and love that he has placed into my heart. Because my flesh is not important, but loving these kids is.
I can honestly say that I have never been this sweaty before. And my fingernails have never been so dirty. And my clothes have never quite reeked of the smell of rotten eggs and cow manure that permanently radiates from every direction, even the packaged peanuts, like they do now. But despite these things, and despite the lack of electricity and that there secretly is a mouse living in our bathroom window, India has easily become my most favorite country thus far. I love it. Even after only ten days. Because it may be crazy but it is also beautiful. And the people are beautiful. And the tuk tuks are fun. And it makes me feel alive.
