I have four different blogs to write and I’ve gone back and forth about writing this one. Compared to ministry updates and crazy stories about life in Vietnam, it’s easy to believe that sharing my heart isn’t that important. But I want to be honest with you and share how I am doing personally; I don’t want these stories of ministry and day-to-day life to be empty of honesty and emotion. Because while my life is anything but “normal” right now and “11 countries in 11 months” sounds ridiculous, it is still life. It’s my life. A journey of contentment and homesickness, of 12-hour ministry days and days of boredom, of wilderness and abundance, of rich community and deep loneliness. So here is a taste of where I’m at, 6 months into the Race and 3 days away from Christmas…
I’m tired.
The past week and a half has been difficult and I’m exhausted.
Physically, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally.
I'm tired of being intentional, tired of living in community 24/7, tired of choosing to love when others don't deserve it and show grace when all I want to do is scream “I’m right and you’re wrong!” I'm struggling with feeling unknown. I miss my friends and family back home who know me and who are like me; who enjoy the same things and communicate in similar fashions. I want to spend my afternoons at the Art Museum in Raleigh and then drive up to Camp Oak Hill for the weekend. I want to talk to Megs about Jesus and sit in His presence together. I want to be home where I can control my day, really relax on a sofa, hop in my car and not feel bad about spending $3 on a coffee or snack. I want to hug my mom and be held by my dad. I want to hear my sisters laughing about something ridiculous without having to end the Skype call 30 minutes later.
But in the midst of these emotions and the exhaustion, Jesus has been more than enough. I have clung to the truth that “His grace is sufficient in my weakness” and that “in my weakness, He is strong”. Whatever I have needed, peace, joy, strength, contentment, or rest, my Dad has provided in abundance. David is right when he says, “those who seek the Lord, lack no good thing”. Now typically if I am struggling, the Lord teaches me something through His word or through an experience. But recently the Lord has been meeting my needs in new ways.
Back in Cambodia, I asked God for the “contentment” Paul talks about in Philippians 4. Now Paul says that he learned to be content in every situation, so I figured the same would happen for me: God would teach me how to be content. Nope. Instead, God just gave me a spirit of contentment. And when he did this, a whole new truth came to life: I am a new creation in Christ, so there is nothing for me to learn, achieve, or figure out. All I have to do was ask and my Dad will provide! Because of Jesus, the spirit of contentment is already mine; all I have to do is ask God to help me walk in that new reality . And this is what God has continued to do this past week. My Father knows my need, He knows my heart and my exhaustion, and He has been faithful to give me what I need every time.
Jesus is peace. Jesus is joy. He is life. He is rest. He is contentment.
So when I need these things, I can look to God who has called me His own and know that I already have them. I can ask for more and I can ask for help to walk in them, but I don’t have to learn a lesson first or earn them on my own.
Jesus is more than enough, in every circumstance and situation. Praise God.
Psalm 143
The enemy has pursued my soul,
he has crushed my life to the ground;
he has made me sit in darkness like those long dead.
My spirit faints within me; my heart is appalled.
I remember the days of old;
I meditate on all that you have done;
I ponder on the work of your hands.
I stretch out my hands to you;
my soul thirsts for you like a parched land.
Let me hear in the morning of your steadfast love, for in you I trust.
Make me know the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.
Teach me to do your will, for you are my God!
Let your good Spirit lead me on level ground.
In your righteousness bring my soul out of trouble!
Your steadfast love will cut off my enemies
and you will destroy all the adversaries of my soul, for I am your servant!
