“God is turning my world upside down. And yes, that’s a great thing! More information to come”
This was my Facebook status about a week and a half ago. And this blog post is the “more information” part I promised. As I’ve been processing what I’m learning and sharing with others, I’ve realized that what the Lord has been teaching me is something we all need to hear. There are lies concerning God’s character, His will, and His love for us that have tainted our ability to really trust Him and experience intimacy with our Father. So here it is; these words of truth are for all us. And if we let them, they will change everything.
Several weeks ago, I received an email from a friend back home and that triggered everything. If I’m honest, jealousy and comparison have been a struggle for me in this friendship before. But I couldn’t push the feelings aside as I had done in the past. My heart immediately erupted with jealously, bitterness, and comparison. I went upstairs and confessed to my teammate how I was feeling and the following day, confessed to the rest of my team as well. And God honored my confession and my honesty. Before I even begun to share the emotions I was feeling, God had already prepared and equipped my team and team leader to call out the lies and point me to truth. God is always faithful.
My team leader Chip had walked in something similar two months back and the Lord had taught him so much that I needed to hear. So as soon as I began talking, Chip could resonate with what I was saying. We found two lies at the root of my pain and emotion:
- I believed that being a Christian meant a life of God-induced pain and suffering. I have a really hard time trusting my Father because of the emotional pain I have experienced in my past. Throughout college I struggled a lot with hopelessness, despair, anxiety, and loneliness. The Bible says that suffering and persecution will come, but I believed that God was inducing the suffering. That He was and would always be causing pain in my life to prove my love and need for Him alone. I was terrified to sing things like “I give it all to you God”, out of fear that God was going to take a machete to my life and take away every comfort, pleasure, or relationship that wasn’t “Him”. I believed that if I found love, comfort, or something good in another person or thing, He would rip it out to make me prove my love for Him. And that I would once again be left hurt, misunderstood, lonely, and hopeless.
- I was jealous of people who experience intimacy with Jesus AND have beautiful lives, which they love. People who are exactly where God wants them to be and are happy. On the Race, I have been jealous of people back in America who are encountering Jesus in the “comfortable”. That went against everything I believed and thought was true for myself. I believed that I had to reject every comfort, passion, skill, and desire in order to fit into a mold of what a “missionary” looks like. I believed that in order to be a “Super Christian Missionary”, I had to reject all enjoyment of life, reject all comforts and desires, move into the slums, and live a life of suffering.
God was sick of these lies. They had been creeping around in my heart and mind for TOO long. And honestly, I was sick of being enslaved to them. They were preventing me from walking in greater intimacy with my Father. But like I said God is faithful. Always. And the truth the Lord spoke into this situation completely rocked my world and has changed everything for me!
Posting another blog soon to share this truth and the heart of our Father!
I am currently sitting in a “hotel” room in Phnom Penh and in 9 hours will board a bus for Ho Chi Minh, Vietnam to begin Month 6! Thank you in advanced for the prayers for safe travel and adjustment to our next country! Love you all!
