We were told at Training Camp back in May not to have any expectations. Some of these expectations were obvious while others hid deep inside, only to be discovered when they weren’t met. The most recent failed expectation hit deep.
Several weeks ago, I found out that when we arrived to Thailand we would not be doing bar ministry**.
When I heard the news from our leader, I felt my heart sink to my stomach. From what I knew almost ALL teams that come to Thailand do bar ministry. And for me personally, this was a HUGE desire and one of the reasons I came on the Race. The Lord gave me a heart for this ministry almost three years ago. Since then I have been longing to travel and see what this looks like firsthand. I long to meet and talk with the men and women face-to-face. I want individuals and personalities to bring the statistics to life that I have heard for so long. Even during the first two months on the Race, I would think ahead to bar ministry in Thailand and get so excited, counting down to the day of our arrival.
Once hearing the news about what we wouldn’t be doing in Thailand, my team began confessing unmet expectations, sadness, and even disappointment. We knew it was healthy for us to be honest about our feelings and to spend time grieving what we thought was going to happen. Our team leader Alyssa then reminded us that this is God’s race and not our own, presenting us with the opportunity to trust the Lord even when we didn’t understand. We reread the email from our squad leader Joel, who reassured us that God had different plans for us in Thailand and that our Father had made it abundantly clear we were not supposed to do bar ministry. While these words were encouraging and I longed to trust the goodness of the Lord in that moment, it was still really hard and arriving in Thailand didn’t make it any easier.
As soon as we stepped off the plane in Bangkok I saw it. Beautiful Thai girls made to look 10 years older than their age, waiting to escort foreign men as soon as they arrived. The next day as I walked into a 7-Eleven, a ladyboy employee stood behind the register. Later that afternoon as I walked through the market, I was overwhelmed at the number of men and women who had taken on the role of the opposite sex. Men, with shaved arms and long black hair, wearing women’s undergarments under their skirts and tops to enhance their figure. Women dressed as men, even taking on the voice tones and body language of their desired identity. Sexual brokenness is everywhere.
During my second day here in Thailand, I had a conversation with one of the guys working with a ministry called MSG which reaches out to the male customers at the bars. He has been here for almost two years and was getting ready to go out that night with the rest of his group. As I sat there, listening to his heart and what ministry was like, and then watched as his group prayed and left for the night, my heart broke that I couldn’t go with them. I’m finally here, within walking distance of the Red Light District and I can’t go. This is something I never expected.
An hour or so later, I walked into worship with my squad, still feeling the weight that I wasn’t where I thought I should be. I stood to the side of the room worshipping and the Lord started speaking to me:
“you need ME more than they need you.”
Wait, what?
“I said, ‘you need ME more than they need you.”
I sat down and wrote this in my journal, kind of confused, but knowing and anticipating more from my Dad.
“Amanda, we are in such a special place right now. We are experiencing more intimacy as Father and daughter than we ever have before. You are finally seeing my heart for you as your Father and not your master. You are letting me touch your heart and heal the brokenness. You are falling in love with me. This is just the beginning and I have so much more for you. I can’t let this get interrupted.”
So what does that have to do with bar ministry?
“If you were to do bar ministry right now, you would be so distracted by trying to ‘save’ these girls you would completely lose sight of me. Amanda you need to realize that you need ME more than they need you.”
I would have never realized what my Father was doing if He hadn’t spoken it himself. In the moment when I was so confused and felt like my desires were being completely overlooked, my Father was fighting for me. He was fighting for the intimacy I crave. He was fighting for the identity I have prayed for. He was once again showing me that it’s not about my doing; it’s about my being. And He was asking me to trust Him.
My Father is completely right. I need Him more than these girls need me. And while I “know” that now, in the midst of bar ministry it would be really easy for me to lose sight of that and in the end, lose sight of Him.
God is wooing these men and women caught up in the sex industry back to Himself. He is and always has been in full pursuit of their hearts. And He has called men and women, brothers and sisters, RIGHT NOW, to speak redemption and healing through love to His lost sons and daughters. His plan could not be more perfect.
It is undeniable the Lord has placed a desire in my heart for the men and women trapped in sexual brokenness. But my Father wants my desire for Him to be greater. He wants my identity to be established firmly as His daughter before I go and “do” anything. He is calling me to wait as He refines my desire and love for these men and women. He longs to prepare my heart, so that when I go, I go overflowing with a love for Jesus, not with any other motivators or ambitions.
My Father is so good to me. He loves His daughter and isn’t going to send her into battle before she is ready. He knows my heart and He is committed to bringing me to the place He has called me to be. I am so thankful He knows what is best for me and in times like these, He lets me in on what He is doing in my life.
Tomorrow afternoon, my team leaves Bangkok to head to Northern Thailand. We have 16-20 hour bus ride to the province of Chang Rai, where we will be working with Burmese refugees. That is all the information we have now. We’re not sure of our living situation, our ministry schedule or what ministry will even look like. But I know for sure, my Dad is already there getting everything ready for His kids arrival. And He is there waiting specifically for me, with so much in store for my heart, ready to solidify my identity as His daughter even more as He prepares me for greater things!
"Truly, truly, I say to you, whoever believes in me will also do the works that I do; and greater works than these he will do, because I am going to the Father." John 14:12
　
** Bar ministry is a general term used to describe ministry in red light districts reaching out to the men and women, boys and girls who find themselves enslaved to the sex industry.
　
