So I'm writing the final blog of this series from the back of the car on the way to training camp. Therefore if the format of this post ends up looking a little weird, you can blame my Blackberry 🙂 I am riding with two other racers, Justin Wong and Caleb Durham. If you could take a moment and pray for us concerning this upcoming week, we would really appreciate it. We have been waiting for and anticipating this day for so long. Pray that any anxiety would be taken away from our hearts and minds. Pray that instead we would be filled with expectant spirits anticipating amazing things from the Lord. That we would be filled with hope, knowing the Lord is sovereign, desires our good, and has already gone before us as we head to training camp. Thanks so much!
Anyways, back to this blog series. I wanted to leave you with a specific lesson the Lord taught me this past Tuesday. I confessed in my last post my deep-rooted insecurities relating to my identity. One way this has played out in my life is through attachment and great dependency on others. In the past, I have found security and comfort through specific people. I clung to them hoping to gain some purpose, identity, value, affirmation…really anything. I didn't understand fully why I did this until recently when the Lord showed me. The promises and truths I listed at the end of the previous blog, I never used to believe for myself. I believed them for others, but thought I wasn't good enough. So by clinging to these specific people, I got a little closer to these truths and promises. I thought I could pick up the scraps of purpose, identity, value, and affirmation that was left over from their lives. I wasn't good enough, but maybe through these people I could gain some of what I was desiring.
Tuesday, I was reading the story of Sarai and Hagar in Genesis 16. At this point in the story God has promised Abram and Sarai that they would be the head of a great nation, the nation of Israel. But there's a couple problems. They currently have no children and the future isn't looking good since Abram is 100 and Sarai is 90. These circumstances led to great doubt for both Abram and Sarai. But instead of believing God's promises and the purpose God had for her, Sarai tells Abram to sleep with her servant, Hagar.
"Behold now, the Lord has prevented me from having children. Go in to my servant; it may be that I shall obtain children by her." Genesis 16:2
It's important to remember that childbearing was a woman's identity during this time period. There was a great amount of purpose and value on a woman who had many children. It was also a sign of good favor and faithfulness from God. When doing some research on this verse, I found out the Hebrew word for 'children' is 'banah'. And the word 'banah' is very similar/sounds like another Hebrew word that means 'to be established by' or 'to be built up'. So since Sarai believed she was incapable of having children (and incapable of fulfilling her purpose), she put her hope of identity in another person. She thought that maybe through Hagar she could 'be established' and 'be built up'. What a sad thing to believe. God has spoken beautiful identity over her and given her tremendous importance and purpose. But in her circumstances and in her doubt, she didn't believe those promises for herself. She didn't trust God's word and what it said about her and all that He desired to accomplish in her life. Instead, she looked to another person to provide her with some type of hope and identity.
How similar am I to Sarai.
Throughout the years, I have been too scared to believe the identity God has spoken over me and to claim the promises He has for me. So I look to others, hoping that through them I can gain what I desire, thinking I am not good enough, not that important, and that there are others who are better than me. But if you keep reading this story, you see that God was faithful to the promises He made to Sarai and Abram. The identity He spoke over her never changed, it never faltered. Through His grace in her life, Sarai became the woman He created her to be and accomplished the extravagant promises He made to her.
Lord, that is my prayer. May your grace and faithfulness, override my doubt and insecurity. Scream identity over me that I can't deny, and accomplish everything you have designed me for, to your glory.
I love you Jesus.
