For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with self-image issues. The most pressing ones have always been my weight and looks. In high school and through out most of college I truly believed that I was the ugliest person in the entire school. Haha, it's pathetic how much I believed that – and how long it took me to accept that it is not true. Because I have never believed that I am pretty, I have never believed my friends when they have told me that I am. You can't believe something others say when you don't believe it yourself! It has held me back from so much! I allowed it to control how I interacted with people, what I said, what I got involved in, where I went, how I dressed and presented myself and so on.
One main example I can think of has to do with my smile. When I was younger, before high school, I used to smile with my teeth showing. At some point along the way, I stopped doing that. One of my front two teeth is a bit crooked, over-lapping the other. And that was pointed out to me quite often by people, so I became self-conscious about it and stopped smiling. I also didn't like the way that smiling made my already wide and chunky cheeks even more prominent. So, whenever I found something to smile or laugh at, I would make sure to only smile with my lips, not allowing my teeth to show.
During training camp, many reference were made to my smile, how it brightens up the room and draws people in, and through those comments, I started smiling with my teeth more. Now, there is a noticeable difference in photographs, if you look at pictures of me currently as compared with ones prior to this year. I've learned that words spoken to me hold weight. Especially the negative ones. And it takes a LOT of positive words (probably TOO many) to correct the negative ones that I receive. Life shouldn't be that way. It is absurd that it should take I should not need to receive 13 positives to get rid of 1 negative. But it's been that way, at least in the past.
There's a song by Sugarland called Take Me As I Am and the lyrics go "I'm slow to trust but I'm quick to love, I push to hard and I give to much, I ain't saying I'm perfect but I promise I'm worth it" and I do feel that way, but I've only just realized it. The name Amanda means Worthy Of Love. And, honestly, until now, I've never believed it. I have never felt like I was worthy of love. I always felt like I was capable of giving it, which also until now I don't think I knew what that really meant, but never felt like I was worthy of being loved by others. And, at this point, I understand it with my heart, but I still don't know what that looks like played out with the opposite gender (which is for an entirely different blog).
I journaled once that I felt like all I had to give was my heart – that i didn't have anything else, not money, looks, personality, et cetera, to give that anyone would want. And I didn't realize how BIG that statement was. Afterall, it's not about who I am but whose I am. My identity should be rooted in the fact that I am a daughter of the King. I was created and designed by Him. I was loved before I was created. I was given breath. I was given life. He delights in me. I am loved and I am worthy of love. I don't know how to explain how huge this breakthrough is. My identity isn't about what I can give but what I've been given. In the Philippines I wrote about who God says I am and he told me that I am Beautiful, a Reflector, and his Daughter.
Daily I have to let God remind me that it's not about the outward appearance, it's not about how I look, what I weigh, what I do; it's about my heart. And my heart needs to be rooted in whose I am not who I am. I can't allow people to define me, I can't allow outside words to define me. The only thing that defines me is what Papa says about me. He who is my hope and my salvation, he who calls me by name, who loved me even when i didn't love him; he gets to tell me what he thinks of me. And he alone. His words are the ones that hold value. His words are the ones that matter. His opinion of me out ranks anyone else's.
I'm beautiful because He lives in me.
I reflect His image, his love, his light.
I am his daughter. I am a daughter of the most high. I am a daughter of the KING.
There are two songs that have changed me and will continue to usher in God's changing presence, songs that i feel are prophetic of what's happening inside of me. They are Where I Belong by Cory Asbury and Beautiful Things by Gungor. I'll leave you with the lyrics and a parting thought.
Are you living out of whose you are? Or out of who you are?
"Where I Belong"
Your presence is all I'm longing for here in the secret place
Your nearness is all I'm waiting for here in the quiet place
Here in the secret place
My soul waits for you alone
Just like the watchmen wait for dawn
Here I've finally found the place
Where we'll meet, Lord, face to face
I've finally found where I belong
I've finally found where I belong, in your presence
I've finally found where I belong, Lord
To be with you, to be with you
I am my Beloved's and He is mine
So come into your garden and take delight in me
Take delight in me
Delight in me, delight in me
Delight in me, delight in me
Here in Your presence, God, I find my rest
Here in Your presence, God
"Beautiful Things"
All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
can remember, I have struggled with self-image issues. The most pressing ones have always been my weight and looks. In high school and through out most of college I truly believed that I was the ugliest person in the entire school. Haha, it's pathetic how much I believed that – and how long it took me to accept that it is not true. Because I have never believed that I am pretty, I have never believed my friends when they have told me that I am. You can't believe something others say when you don't believe it yourself! It has held me back from so much! I allowed it to control how I interacted with people, what I said, what I got involved in, where I went, how I dressed and presented myself and so on.
One main example I can think of has to do with my smile. When I was younger, before high school, I used to smile with my teeth showing. At some point along the way, I stopped doing that. One of my front two teeth is a bit crooked, over-lapping the other. And that was pointed out to me quite often by people, so I became self-conscious about it and stopped smiling. I also didn't like the way that smiling made my already wide and chunky cheeks even more prominent. So, whenever I found something to smile or laugh at, I would make sure to only smile with my lips, not allowing my teeth to show.
During training camp, many reference were made to my smile, how it brightens up the room and draws people in, and through those comments, I started smiling with my teeth more. There is a noticeable difference now, if you look at pictures of me currently as compared with previous ones. I've learned and that words hold weight. Especially the negative ones. And it takes a LOT of positive words (probably TOO many) to correct the negative ones that I receive. Life shouldn't be that way. It is absurd that it should take I should not need to receive 13 positives to get rid of 1 negative. But it's been that way, at least in the past.
There's a song by Sugarland called Take Me As I Am and the lyrics go "I'm slow to trust but I'm quick to love, I push to hard and I give to much, I ain't saying I'm perfect but I promise I'm worth it" and I do feel that way, but I've only just realized it. The name Amanda means Worthy Of Love. And, honestly, until now, I've never believed it. I have never felt like I was worthy of love. I always felt like I was capable of giving it, which also until now I don't think I knew what that really meant, but never felt like I was worthy of being loved by others. And, at this point, I understand it with my heart, but I still don't know what that looks like played out with the opposite gender (which is for an entirely different blog).
I wrote once that I felt like all I had to give was my heart – that i didn't have anything else, not money, looks, personality, et cetera, to give that anyone would want – and I didn't realize how BIG that statement was. Afterall, it's not about who I am but whose I am. My identity should be rooted in the fact that I am a daughter of the King. I was created and designed by Him. I was loved before I was created. I was given breath. I was given life. He delights in me. I am loved, I am worthy of love. I don't know how to explain how huge this breakthrough is. My identity isn't about what I can give but what I've been given. In the Philippines I wrote about who God says I am http://amandabrucki.theworldrace.org/?filename=when-i-dont-feel-used-pt-3-the-resolution and he told me that I am Beautiful, a Reflector, and his Daughter.
I have to let God remind me, daily, that it's not about the outward appearance, it's not about how I look, what I weigh, what I do, how many kids love me; it's about my heart, and it needs to be rooted in whose I am not who I am. I can't allow people to define me, I can't allow outside words to define me. The only thing that defines me is what Papa says about me. He who is my hope and my salvation, he who calls me by name, who loved me even when i didn't love him, he gets to tell me what he thinks of me. And he alone. His words are the ones that hold value. His words are the ones that matter. His opinion of me out ranks anyone else's.
I'm beautiful because He lives in me.
I reflect His image, his love, his light.
I am his daughter. I am a daughter of the most high
