Romans 8:26-28.Romans 8:26-28. "Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for thsoe who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."
One afternoon, while staying in Incaia, it was in the hundred's and i was becoming miserable, hot, and sweaty. I had hit my head on a tree while coming back from praying for a family and was praying over myself that I would be fine, no internal bleeding, no pain, no blacking out when I stood up, and so on. Needless to say, I wanted something that would make me happy and bring joy to my life in that moment.
After lunch a storm was brewing and it was coming in fast. I was looking forward to it; it was supposed to make me happy but really it was just a big tease. Granted, I got to see some amazing lightning and hear loud, booming thunder, but there was very little rain. I was asking God for some crazy, loud, downpouring rain and he "failed" to deliver. I made a comment aloud about how the back end of the storm brings the worst weather (weather that I was very much looking forward to, mind you) but I wasn't content waiting for it and started complaining about all that this storm wasn't.
During that time of complaining, God spoke to me very audible in my spirit and told me that
I say things but that I don't actually in my heart believe them.
When I said the best weather comes at the end of the back-end of the storm, I said it and may have believed it but I sure didn't act like it was true since I was disappointed that the big storm wasn't happening in the moment. I wanted the best weather now; I was disappointed that God wasn't doing big things now; I wasn't willing to wait for the end of the storm. I didn't want to wait on HIS timing, rather I wanted what I wanted now. I didn't want to delay gratification.
I realized that just like I wasn't waiting for the good part of the storm, I have been saying that I believe that God is my provider. Yet in this situation of having to wait for support to come in, of giving up control over what comes in and whose hearts are moved, what I was believeing wasn't matching up with that which I was saying. And the vice versa is never far off. Ridiculous, right? I know that I'm supposed to say what I mean and mean what I say, but that's exactly what I was not doing. I was being a pharisee and loudly proclaiming things I didn't myself believe in order to make myself look/sound good.
What the heck. That's not how it's supposed to go. That's not how I'm supposed to live. If I believe that God is my provider, then I believe that he can provide this money for me, that no amount is too big, that nothing is impossible. I believe that He has me here for a reason, even if he decides to take me home after this short amount of time. I believe that he is good, perfect and loving. I believe that he wants me all in. I believe that he wants me to take ownership of being here. I believe that he wants to mold and refine me into a daughter after his heart, his passions, and his faith. I believe that he is sovereign and that the ride he's taking me on is making me better.
What do you need to be believing in him for? How is he trying to mold and refine you?
But, I have been encouraged to learn that God is in the situation where I find myself becoming frustrated or angry, annoyed or dismayed. He is always here though most of the time He waits patiently for me to come to Him, to acknowledge that I miss him and that I need him. I try to side step that part, that I need Him often. I like to think that I can do things my own way, or that by my own power or strength that I can do anything without His help. But that's not what He's calling me to do. He wants to walk along side of me. He wants to be the first person I turn to. He wants me to pursue Him, to share my life with Him. He wants me to desire Him in the way that I ask Him to be a part of my life, not because He's forcing himself in but because I've asked Him in.
