Something I've been trying to work through this past week and a half I've been here at KIM, is not feeling like I'm being used enough. It feels, to an extent, like I'm on a vacation, staying here at KIM because we are beyond blessed with so many "luxuries":: showers, warm water, delicious western food, reliable transportation, fans, air con, people who speak english, the ability to nap if and when we want, clean dishes, a relative lack of bugs (though I'm being eaten alive, literally, by mosquitos and other various bugs).
It's so easy to read the blogs of people before me or of people who are on my squad but on other teams and in other places, and to just compare and contrast. I haven't yet had one of those "amazing Christian experiences" like I imagined I would. To say the least, it's been a little disappointing.
Who am I to decide what is or is not an "amazing Christian experience". How ridiculous is it that I should get to decide things like that. At camp, we were told to release our expectations of what will happen while we're on the race. We were asked to release 1) our race route, 2) view of God, 3) idea of adventure & 4) who our teammates should be. I think that expectations 2 & 3 were not given over completely. I think that what i've been fighting throughout our first 2 weeks has been my expectations, and it has affected me a lot more that I imagined it would.
A big reason that I don't feel used is because I'm not seeking Christ as my fulfillment.
I'm trading time with Him for other things.
I'm not getting filled up in His word, or through prayer which means that I'm running on empty and have nothing to give that's nourishing.
God is seeking me…
He's pursuing me.
So far, I've neglected Him.
I've been running from Him…
I've been hiding from Him.
He wants intimacy with me.
He wants to know me.
He wants me to let Him know me.
He wants me to want to let Him know me.
These hands You made, to hold Yours my love
These feet You shaped, to walk with You in our garden
These eyes You placed, to gaze upon Your face
These lips You formed, to kiss my Beloved
I was made, I was made for intimacy
Easier You've made, to hear Your rhythms of love
And this voice You've placed, to sing You songs of grace
And this hair You wove, You've numbered every strand
And this gaze You love, it captures You with one glance
Intimacy is what I need, intimacy is calling me
