This is a hard blog to post. It's so easy to just not share these things with others and pretend like we are invulnerable to such thoughts or simply don't struggle with them. But that's something I'm trying to work on, so for all you racers out there who have felt like me or soon will – this is for you.
I'm going to take this post directly from my journal from training camp:
Today was such a cool day. We did our final round of team building (and by team building I mean we literally did exercises that would decide our teams for the race). Since the moment we were told that there would 100% positively be several all-girl teams from our squad, I knew in my spirit that I would be on one. Not because I wanted to be – but because I didn't.
From that moment on I tried to prepare myself for when teams were announced, and honestly, I thought I had. I kept telling myself that no matter who I was chosen to be with, it would be appointed by God so it would be great. If you had asked me why I didn't want to be on an all female team, I'm sure I would have told you that it was because I didn't think it was safe to travel all over the world without a male presence .. which would have been partly true .. but that's not the whole story.
When we finally came together for the announcement of teams today, and Annie (our new fearless leader) called out my name on an all-girl team, my natural, visceral reaction surprised the heck out of me. I was so disappointed and before I could reign it in, one thought popped into my head – "Well, so much for meeting a guy." And let me tell you, that moment stopped me dead in my tracks. Instantly, it was like God was holding a mirror up to my heart and asking, "Why are you doing this, Amanda? Is it for Me or for you?"
As soon as I could break away and get even remotely alone (aka sticking my head in my tent) I began sobbing and begging for forgiveness. Because the truth is – I am doing this for Him. If all I wanted was a husband I would have joined eHarmony, not a missions organization. I'm doing this because I felt the Lord calling me to more, and I decided to answer that call.
After the announcement we were told that, for the first time since we arrived, we were allowed to leave camp for a few hours to grab some dinner and bond as new teams. And seriously – God broke me tonight. I LOVE these girls. He put us together for reasons that we may never fully understand or even realize. They all have such a heart for the lost and I just know that we are going to be able to minister in ways none of us ever thought possible.
God knows me better than I could ever hope to know myself. He knows that without a constant male presence, I will be forced to lead instead of submit. To learn from and encourage a female leader above me rather than to always default to a man. To be free in who I am without feeling in any way self conscious or the need to impress. He knows that I put too much faith in man to keep me safe when it's really Him who holds my life in His hands. Sitting at the table with these five women, my spirit was so confirmed that this was my team and that God knows what I need like I never will. Praise the Lord for His sovereign hand in my life and for not giving me what I think I want.
Meet Team Jehovah Nissi (the Lord is our Banner; the Lord goes before us) & I couldn't ask for more.
