…..still single

I’m 33.  The older I get, the more often I seem to hear the dreaded question, “So, are you dating/seeing anybodyâ€�?  

The answer is always no.  It has been a solid no for over 10 years.  

I always get these weird, questioning, or pitied looks.  One person even asked me, “What is WRONG with you?â€� 

I said, “NOTHING.  I am PERFECT and just how God made me.  If I don’t have a boyfriend, then I’m no less of a woman than if I did have one.â€�  I felt all good about myself for being so confident.  But….

The lies that always whisper tell me that I’m not marriage material.  That I’m too weird to get married.  My lifestyle, my style, my attitude, and everything else about me is not suited for marriage.  I know I’m different than most girls.  Sometimes I look at other girls and wonder what is broken in me that seems fixed in everyone else.  I don’t understand why I am so different.  But I do know that I am beautiful because I am HIS.

The situation is exacerbated in a foreign country.  It seems that the point of life is to get married and punch out some babies.  And the older you get – the slimmer your chances get.  You might miss your chance of making your life count or something. 

Sidenote: In Turkey, a woman told me that I needed to hurry up and get married before I reach my expiration date.  evidently once you hit 40, you expire like old milk.  

Often, I feel like a freak.  A 33 year old, hopelessly single, freak.  

Lies.  

I know those are lies.  I know the truth about who I am.  I’m just being real about how my current situation makes me think and feel sometimes.  

Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see.

Hebrews 11:1

God wrecked me in this whole marriage area a few months ago.  

He told me that hope is essential.  

You cannot have faith without having something to hope for.  If faith is the confidence in seeing the things we hope for realized, then I have to hope for something.  I can’t have faith without hope.  Big lesson.  

When I apply that principle to finding my husband…. well….it kinda freaks me out a bit.  

When I came to Thailand…(Well, if I’m being honest it started when I was applying for the World Race) I decided that following Jesus in this way, meant that I had to give up all my desires.  Including my desire to get married.  I thought that there was no way that this could happen if not for a miracle from above. 

I surrendered ALL of it.  The hope and the possibility included.  I basically decided that if I was ever going to get married, God would have to plop Mr. Man right in front of my face.  

One day, I was talking to God about this stuff and he very clearly asked me if I really wanted to get married.  And I was dumbstruck.  

“Why is he asking me this question?”, is all I could think.  

And I realized….I had to decide.  This isn’t just about God deciding what is best for me and making it happen.  I am not a puppet in some puppet show.  God doesn’t have his hand up my butt and he isn’t controlling my life.  I had to decide.  

Faith makes things happen in the Kingdom.  When I read the Gospels, I see that theme over and over.  Jesus responds to faith.  The woman with the bleeding reached out to Jesus BECAUSE she believed.  And then she was healed.  And, like a Pharisee that I think I’m so far removed from, I realized that I wanted proof before I would dare to hope.  

Sometimes we have to move forward in faith.  I have no idea what that looks like in the context of looking for marriage, but I know that faith is important.  

But I know you can’t have faith without hope.  And you can’t have hope if you don’t believe that you are loved.  

Fall in love with Jesus

I’m going to have to face some lies that I believe.  A long time ago, I gave up hope for this to happen in my life.  God is trying to teach me about my worth in Him.  And he wants to give me good gifts.  He doesn’t want me to strive for them.  Something beautiful happens when we surrender ourselves to faith in a promise from God.  And God has promised me that he will provide what I need.  He keeps telling me that I’m worthy.  And that I don’t have to change myself or fix myself or become something else.  I am worthy right now.  That’s a tough pill to swallow.  (and then I think…maybe that’s why I’m single….)  

I have over-analyzed this whole boyfriend/husband/marriage thing for far too long.  I have tried to be someone I’m not.  I’ve tried being who I am with no apologies.  I’ve tried not to care.  I’ve tried this whole method of following Jesus till he puts this dude in your face.  And those things miss the point.  

I think the point is to fall in love with Jesus.  That’s it.  Fall in love with Jesus.  

Maybe I am going to get married and maybe not.  I know that I want to.  I know that I’ve always wanted to get married, but now I WANT to get married.  I don’t understand why this is happening in my heart NOW…in Thailand….where I can do nothing about it.  I know that God loves me and that He has promised to provide for me. I am daily becoming the woman he created me to be.  I know that I’m ridiculously tired of people coming and going and me coming and going.  It is so hard to feel stable in relationships and I just want a safe place that is always there.  And I know that marriage is not the answer.  And I know that my situation currently is feeding my desire.  But at the end of the day, I know that God loves me and that he has promised to provide for me.  And so I just keep moving forward.  In faith.  Towards Kingdom.  And I fall in love with Jesus.  

Update: The next step in this journey
Chasing Promises