::It’s about to get REAL honest up in here::
I was sleeping away this morning, with absolutely ZERO desire to get up and get started with my day. I kept looking at the time and rolling back over. Ever have mornings like that? Well, I do.
I was in a funk. The kind of funk that sneaks up on you so slow and quiet-like that you don’t even know you are in a funk. Everyone else could see it. I, on the other hand, was completely oblivious. I kept wondering why everyone was looking at me with tilted heads and asking me how I was doing. “I’m REAL good”, is my standard reply. Everyone probably thought I was lying through my teeth. But, I really believed that I was “real good”. I had no idea I was in a funk.
God took care of that. It started this morning at about 9:30. (nauseating, I know) I was sleeping ever so soundly until I woke with a start. When I say with a start, I mean it was the kind of waking up when your whole body goes spastic and you look as if you just started to have a seizure. It is possible that I nearly fell out of bed. I heard VERY clearly, “GET UP and GO“. How would you like to wake up like that?
You would think that hearing God yell at me to get my lazy ass out of bed would give me the kick in the pants that I needed to get up. However, I groaned and rolled over again, asking for 5 more minutes. I did not wish to get up. Why?? Because I was in a funk.
I had to be awakened by the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords. Depending on which second you ask me, I think that fact is either really pathetic or really amazing. God cares about me enough to wake me up? That’s pretty rad. And you know what? I didn’t even think twice about it. I got up, drank coffee, got ready, and left. I still did not know I was in a funk.
I proceeded to receive God’s favor in some really mundane ways today. I GET to go to 14 hours of substitute teacher training tomorrow – even though my paperwork hasn’t all been processed yet. I paid $64 for two USED front tires, which was a huge relief. (new ones would be over $90 PER TIRE) Every time I drove prior to that, I prayed nearly the whole time for God to surround my tires. There may have been exposed wire thread on my tires. After I got my two “new” front tires, I spent my Target gift cards and got me a brand new hair dryer. I also got new Sharpie Pens. (best.pens.ever)
As I was driving back from Target, I started to realize that my funk, that I didn’t know I was in, was lifting. Why? Because I was thanking God for his amazing favor on my life. I am so blessed. I really am.
I was in a funk because I am frustrated. My independence is GONE. If I did not have amazing people in my life right now, I do NOT know what I would do. I would be homeless and hungry. I would probably be on the street corner with a cardboard sign. (maybe that’s a little TOO dramatic…) But let me de-glorify missionary life for you. My pride is a luxury I can no longer afford to have. If I didn’t eat other people’s food, I wouldn’t eat. If I didn’t receive random gifts of money from friends and strangers, I wouldn’t be able to put gas in my car, or pay my car insurance. If I did not have friends willing to allow me to live with them, I wouldn’t have a bed to sleep in. If people hadn’t generously donated clothes to me when I came back, I wouldn’t have winter clothes right now. If someone had not given me shampoo, I wouldn’t be able to wash my hair….
I would like to give back to these people. But I can’t. I don’t have anything to give. And I wish that all I had to do was receive once and be done with it. The last thing I want to be is a leech. But, I haven’t paid my student loan in 2 months, and I don’t know how I am going to pay it. I’m working on getting a job…but it is proving to be SLOW GOING. I am now doing this missionary thing for real, and so I need to write newsletters, have prayer cards made, and all that fun stuff, and I’m scrambling to find the best and cheapest way to do these things…
::You are going to want to read this next part with an OPEN mind::
I was talking to a friend last night and we were joking about being God’s little handicapped children. (please refer to statement above) It was really funny to us because it is really very true to how we feel. We can’t do anything on our own. We need someone to help us do pretty much everything. Our needs would not be met if people did not meet them. For people like me, it is humiliating. I’m used to taking care of myself. This type of dependence on others is definitely NOT comfortable for me.
Truthfully, sometimes I just want to be a grown-up and take care of myself.
This is exactly where God wants me. He continually challenges me to live in the moment instead of worrying about tomorrow. He wants me in a place that sets Him up to take care of me. At this point, the only way I am getting taken care of is through Him!!!
And the amazing thing is…He WANTS to take care of me. I was being a brat this morning. I didn’t even want to get out of bed. But God kicked me in the pants and made me start my day so that HE COULD BLESS ME!!! How amazing is that??
