Day 298. 27 to go.
A symptom of being a racer is that you start to only think in blog titles, turning everything that happens in your day into the possibility of a blog. This blog has been swimming around in my head for weeks now but I can hardly put my recent emotions into words. Reality is that I am tired though. I am tired of moving my pack from here to there to here again. I am tired of trying to fall asleep at night while my thoughts distract and prolong my needed REM cycling. I am tired of eating off of $3 per day. These last ten months have been some of the most intense in my young adult life, there is no denying that. And as tired and worn out as I am the Lord did not call me out here for the World Race, an eleven month mission trip, for a ten month growth spurt with a one month vacation or review. He called me out here for eleven months, and I am praying so hard that he continues to ignite and burn His light and His Spirit inside of me, because my fuel is running low.
I have been reading through the bible, cover to cover through this year and right now I am finishing up the gospels which are fantastically challenging. One moment of Jesus’ life in particular though – his 40 days in the wilderness. The first verse of Matthew 4 says – Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil. Jesus was led into the wilderness by the Spirit. Led by the Spirit. That has been my prayer in the last 5 months out here, that the Holy Spirit would guide me and lead me, and that I would follow. Ha, and then I read that right after Jesus has this incredible moment during his baptism where the Father, Son and Holy Spirit where all united on Earth, and directly after this experience he was led into the wilderness.
I believe that the mountain tops wouldn’t be mountain tops without the valleys, and after having such a rich month in Cambodia with my team, the Spirit led me, just like I asked him to, into this wilderness – where I am walking slowly but surely. I want so badly to be home right now, for more than one reason, but again, I know that this is where I need to be.
So while each day is a new challenge for me, a new opportunity for me to rely solely on the Lord’s strength, I thank him for this wilderness and with a grateful heart accept what this month has to bring. So, out of my poverty I come before my King, not in my strength, but my lack thereof, giving his Spirit permission to flourish as I may be outwardly wasting away but inner renewal is happening day by day. For Jesus’ sake, I am content with and accept these weaknesses and hardships. For when I am weak, I am strong.
