This race has been many things for me. Many friendships, many tears, many plates of rice. Many contacts, many ministries, many modes of transportation. Many lessons, many challenges, many celebrations. But I have had one theme that continues to creep up on me, and it interlaces itself into most of the difficulties that I face. It sneakily reveals itself and comes from deep insecurities that have been rooted far in my past, but come up all the same.
My worth.
I struggle with feeling worthy of other people’s time, that my words are not worthy of their ears and that they don’t care about me, therefore don’t want much to do with me. I struggle with feeling worthy of such an adventure, and the opportunity to see all of the beauty that the world entails. I struggle with feeling worthy of all the promises God speaks to his children in the bible, that I am not a good enough Christian for ‘that’. And I struggle with feeling worthy of my Lord’s time in general; specifically, his love. Having past hurts of being left, forgotten, ignored, betrayed, and cheated, there is this inner battle that my spirit fights for feelings of worth and belonging. Those gross memories of being left have been toxic to me, and I am tired of feeling like backs are turned against me. This surfaced initially at the end of Romania and has been a theme for the entire race. I am learning to declare over myself that I Am Worthy – of love, of my promised inheritance, of grace, of insight… and the list goes on.
My name, Amanda, is Latin for ‘worthy of love’. And this I didn’t know until the end of month 2, after accepting that this was going to be what Jesus and I wrestle through this year. How significant and beautiful is this? I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and my Lord created my inmost being, knitting me together in my mother’s womb (Psalm 139:13,14). My Jesus knows me so well, and he has spoken life over me since that day of my birth. He has given me a prophetic name, and told me from that Friday in January, that I am worthy of love; especially his perfect love.
So I now have a permanent name tag from Jesus, claiming that I am who he says I am.
The morning after I built this altar… claiming what Jesus has always spoken over me, the Lord spoke this to me. He said, “See how you have been created in my image child? I am most worthy of love, as the Lamb who was slain to wash your slate clean like snow. I am most worthy of love, as all creation sings praise to my name continuously – don’t you hear it? I am worthy of love, and so are you beloved, as my child, created in my image. You, Amanda, have been created out of love, in love, for love, to love and to be loved. You are love – just as I am love. Grasp this and hold it deep inside for you are never to forget your worth in my Kingdom, your worth in my arms, for your name, Worthy of Love, is engraved in the palm of my hand – I will never forget you.”
