Growing up, you could only have one pair of shoes by the door. You were to clear your plate after each meal and to wash the dishes before anything else. Weekends and summer breaks always consisted of dusting the book shelf, raking the yard, pulling weeds and harvesting the fruitful garden… you get the picture. Growing up on the Stoesz farm has developed me into the individual that I am today, and I wouldn’t trade any of it for the world. I like to keep my space clean and organized, and working with my hands has become therapeutic for me… yes, I enjoy yard work and sweeping floors.
This month we are living in our own little house, and it has been blessing upon blessing after blessing. We have our own space, running water, wifi and a private beach. With all of the freedom and space, it leaves room for necessary order and that’s where I come in. I notice when the electrical water heater is low, when the trash needs to be taken out, when the laundry needs to be done, when the floor is dirty, and when the lights are accidentally left on. I notice every little detail and it drove me nuts! I enjoy serving my team around me, but started to notice a change in the place that this service was coming from. My heart.
I started to notice how my thoughts towards my teammates were changing.
“I am such an annoyance to them, always nagging them to turn the lights or A/C off”
“Who am I to think that my ways and habits of cleanliness are any better than hers? Stop being so self-righteous all the time”
“No one cares about the way I like to have things, and they are not respecting or preferring me”
I had so many lies swirling in my head and heart and it was influencing the way I thought about anything or anyone, and my heart was swimming in this muk from Satan. I didn’t want to bring this to my team, because in no way did I want to come across like I was better and start crying over a dirty house, so I didn’t until last night.
I can’t handle this battle on my own, so I started to share my heart and to share my struggle, and became overwhelmed with emotion. I could hardly spit my words out without gasping for breath in between my sobs. “Goodness!” was all I could get out, and broken bits about this inner chaos. The four women around me surround me and begin to pray all together.
“Lord release her from the lie that she is wrong”
“Father, comfort her” ———– All simultaneously voiced out.
“Send your Holy Spirit to hold her”
I was again, overcome with emotion and was shaking I was crying so hard. Then suddenly it stopped. The crying, the shaking, the tears… it all stopped and I was breathing normal without tears. Like someone snapped and there was a scene change, but I was still sitting with my hands up, and my sisters around me praying. A lightness came over me and I was at peace.
For God is not a God of disorder but of peace – as in all the congregations of the Lord’s people.
1 Corinthians 14:33.
So I’m a little obsessive compulsive… and God made me that way. It is not wrong for me to be observant and responsible. My desire to serve those around me and to keep things clean is a gift from God. He is a God of order, and I am made in his image. The enemy has no ground on the progress and intimacy the Lord and I have found together, and I am incredibly grateful for the community he has placed me in this year to challenge me and to build me up once I recognize the point of dependence I have on a greater power.
