It is a dreary day at the beach, and no one is around. The waves are choppy, mirroring the gray sky above. I am running full steam ahead into the dark waters, all by myself.
This was prophesied over me before I left Nepal and ever since we arrived in India I have had a change in my spirit. I cannot put my finger on why or how this has happened, leading to deep frustration. I had been given a team of six women, and the responsibility to get everyone to Bangalore. Travel days inevitably bring a haze over the entire squad of confusion; not knowing what time it is, the last time you ate, slept, or went to the bathroom. We finally arrived at our ministry site and had a day to recover and settle into this month before we started our ministry. Surely that is enough time for preparation.
But I never felt caught up, recovered, or ready. Operating from lethargy and uncertainty I started to believe the lies that were being put into my head about my ability to lead these women, where I stood with God, and what others thought about me. I have been upset and frustrated with myself for falling into this trap of lies, but can’t help but sit in the mud. After voicing the shift in spirit we all started to recognize the differences we were feeling pack wide.
I have never experienced spiritual warfare like I have here in India and it has been gross. I have never been inundated with such lies that cling to onto me. These have been coupled with an awareness of the ugliness, but not necessarily strength to shake them off, which leads to the frustration and anger that I have felt towards myself. Even after recognizing that I am under spiritual attack, I am equally annoyed and amazed at how sneaky the devil is. There is a heaviness about India, and it is nothing that we can physically see here, because it is beautiful in its own Indian way, but I feel as though the air is thick with pollution and we are all choking to get clean air.
The Lord has been taking me to depths during worship, which have been humbling, comforting, and reaffirming. I recognized that I am just as annoying as I noted the Israelites to be in pursuit of the Promised Land… blaming God, not thanking him enough, turning against him with distrust, and then running back to his feet. But Jesus loves me regardless, and I need to accept his grace in that. Jonathan David Helser sings, “You are an endless ocean, a bottomless sea. There’s no end to the affection that you have for me.” While singing this during worship, Jesus reminded me of myself, running full steam towards those gray choppy waves alone. He reminded me of the fervor and strength I had in my stride and that he sees my desire to run into his ocean. He told me how infinitely deep his ocean of love is, and reminded me that there is no way of understanding it all… so stop trying.
You know when you are playing in the waves at the ocean, and when you are only knee deep the waves are still bearable. As you start to go further in, the waves get bigger and more powerful, and when the rip tide gets you, you are taken under. This is where the Lord has me right now. I am running hard into his bottomless sea, but am caught in the white wash at the breaking point, and I am falling short. I come up for breath, just enough to recognize where I am. I have the choice to go back to the shore which I know is comfortable, but my heart is pulling me further into the water. So I push past the big and powerful waves with his strength, past this breaking point… because I know there is a calm and beauty right after this.
