This blog is being resurrected. And if I am being fully honest, my heart has needed me to write. But I didn’t really know where to start. So I begin again, by preparing for the race, but to communicate it all, I need to begin before I decided to squad lead again.
Driving down to GA, I found myself praying for the camp, the training teams, the people I would meet on the serve team. And for myself. The last time I was at Adventures, I was walking out of a difficult and quiet season with the Lord.
In February of 2015, I came home from my second round on the Race. My first three months home were great. I started my new job. I actively pursued finding a home church in my new city. I traveled to Malaysia for my squad’s month 8 debrief and it felt normal to be with my people once again. It also felt normal to be returning home once debrief ended.
Fast forward a few weeks and I had stopped seeking and hearing from the Lord. My job was/is stressful and after coming off of orientation, I was remembering the nursing burnout I felt prior to leaving on my first race. My feet throbbed (and still do) after each shift and my jaw was continuously locking up. But more importantly, I didn’t know why I found it difficult to pray, and not just for strangers or friends, because that was so easy overseas, but just pray in general.
I was in a funk and I found myself working through shifts focused on the next few nights off, or the next weekend away. I found it difficult to find a church that captured the Spirit as I knew Him. The small group I had joined and that was so life-giving in the spring took a break all summer and with it, I lost a large part of the community of which I was beginning to become a part.
This went on for a month or so, before I decided I needed to ‘suck it up buttercup’. And not in a fake it till you make it way, but in a something’s gotta give moment. So I picked up my Bible again. I started journaling again in a new journal, willing the difficult season to be over.
I asked a lot of questions of God. I cried. I beat myself up for feeling this way. And I also surrendered it. And slowly, I recognized how much I was learning through it all. It only lasted about two months, but it forced me to my knees to and to start at the beginning of who God is and ultimately letting Him begin reminding me who I am. Much of what I was working through was what others had experienced in coming home, so while I did not like it, I took it as a normal process.
I hit my squad’s final debrief in Vietnam so so ready for full release of everything. I was hearing from Him again. And I shared my struggle of being at home, hoping people would not have to go through it themselves. It was a beautiful week. A wonderful culmination of the year for a family. And it reminded me of giftings in which I had not been walking. I arrived home determined to walk in them. But something was still hovering over my head.
I went to Adventures about a month later for Project Searchlight with my second squad, and the block was still there. I was also experiencing the grace and mercy of God, as He patiently waited for me to embrace a season in Richmond that I didn’t want or know I needed. And in a moment of the Holy Spirit using Bill Swan, I discovered the that disappointment was the culprit for the dark cloud still hovering.
As soon as it was named, I felt release. Not a complete one, but the block was gone. And it started the grieving process for me. I needed to grieve the year and a half I had spent on the race. I needed to grieve the season i was iAnd I needed to release the idea of people being disappointed with where I was at this time.
A couple of months later, I worked through the disappointment I had. The disappointment that I did not naturally walk in the giftings at home as I so freely did overseas. The disappointment that I no longer spoke boldly or obeyed the Spirit’s prompting to speak, or move. The dark night of the soul, my dark night of the soul was due to feelings of inadequacy, the idea that the race was not the introduction of my giftings or life’s purpose, but the reason for it. These feelings warred with the knowledge of all He is and all He had made known to me about Him and myself. And those feelings became the voice to which I listened.
The dark night of the soul, my dark night of the soul was due to feelings of inadequacy, the idea that the race was not the introduction of my giftings or life’s purpose, but the reason for it. These feelings warred with the knowledge of all He is and all He had made known to me about Him and myself. And those feelings became the voice to which I listened.
The dark night of the soul, my dark night of the soul was due to feelings of inadequacy, the idea that the race was not the introduction of my giftings or life’s purpose, but the reason for it. These feelings warred with the knowledge of all He is and all He had made known to me about Him and myself. And those feelings became the voice to which I listened.
Somewhere down the line, as much as I had spoken against, journaled or blogged about the race being the beginning and not the cause of my growth, but the vehicle, I had made it the cause. I came home from squad leading and forgot my voice had purpose beyond serving with others through the world race. I came home from the race and I felt awkward about following the Spirit. I missed community like that which I experienced in my college town and on the race.
I had placed my growth, identity and strengths in what the race had given me.
How foolish.
Working through the disappointment gave freedom. I was able to fully embrace the slow pace of the season in which I was actually able to rest. And I rediscovered my giftings were not related to my race experiences, my role as squad leader or missionary
The long season I was so struggling with, was of course exactly what I needed to remind me that the growth I had experienced, my giftings and identity were rooted in Him.
For the last year or so, I’ve been able to reflect on the race as an incredible gift. Papa gives good gifts. I experienced the anointing oil flowing from the head to the heart, giving life again to the truths of who He is and who He made me. He showed me these things overseas. I walked in them then, but for a season, I misplaced glory. He gave me the past year to cultivate them again. And while, throughout the year, I hoped for a different pace and place, I knew I was right where I needed to be.
On the clear blue October day, I drove to a training camp where my prayers were mainly about people experiencing Him, and not the race, because the race will end, but He never will.
I prayed that I, myself, would experience Him in my time at Adventures. That I would not experience Adventures above Him. I prayed that I would not become confused by a false idea that He is more present there than at the hospital where I work or the car wash down the street from my house.
I prayed that I would remember first and foremost who He is. And that throughout the week I would walk in step with Him.
The fears I experienced in the supply closet, as I found myself saying yes to squad leading again, were largely rooted in the idea that I would once again forget Him. That I would rob Him of the glory due His name.
But I’m choosing to dare greatly.
I’m standing on the foundation He has given me this past year. And on the truth of who He is and always will be.
And I pray that as my squad steps off the plane into India’s heat that mingles with spices, they choose to give Him glory and recognize that the Race is a vehicle and a beginning. It’s not the end all, be all. And in the beginning that they choose to start each day rooted in Him, daring greatly for the Kingdom.
We land in India in a month. I hope you’ll join me in those prayers.
I’m about 25% funded for this journey. If you feel led to donate or buy a box, follow the link on the left.
I love words of encouragement, and I would love to travel with a stack of letters to read while overseas. If you would like to mail a letter to open when I’m homesick, tired, on my birthday or any other random day, message me (email link on the left as well) and i’ll send you my address.
Thanks!
“It’s always like springtime with You making all things new. Your light is breaking through the dawn. This is what you do. This is what you do. It’s a new season. It’s a new seaon. The old has passed away.” – This is wha you do. Bethel Music.
