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My good friend Duffy is letting me borrow his music for a bit (which is a big step for him) but I hope you enjoy it. God has surely gifted him with his music. Enjoy the gift too.
My dad has this great word that he uses fairly often. We, as his children, always know that the use of it implies a sigh, a touch of humility and a serving of bittersweet optimism for the previous day, event or situation
South Africa was a learningful month.
Learningful, learn-ing-ful [learning´: full], adj Contemporary English. Full of learning and meaning; an event or occurrence that results in learning (a change in behavior) and is meaningful.
For example, when Ruby, the family dog, learned she could jump onto the counter and steal food, it was learningful.
I sought the Lord throughout the month in quiet times at the end of the drive way. I felt His peace in decisions. And trusted that He put me in those situations and conversations for a reason. It was reaffirmed throughout the month that God allowed me to see through his eyes and step back from the situations while trying to understand them. I was told in a note from an alumni racer at the beginning of my time there, that I was an anointed mouthpiece. And to be completely honest, it was a heavy thing to accept at that time.
Because I saw such discord around me. I didn’t want to have to speak the hard things. But I know that I often have, can and will.
As a whole, the month involved so many details for the squad as we prepared to move into Manistry month and we looked to change to short-term teams and raise up new team leaders. We had a squad member in the hospital for an extended time. I was also trying to navigate the situations that I was sitting in as well. I found myself in the midst of swirling phone calls, emails and skype conversations feeling rested and amazed at the peace the Lord was giving me in the chaos.
At this point in my life and in the race, I know my tendencies to take on too much. Both of relational burdens that are not wholly mine to take and of loads that are also not mine. But in conversations with Jenny (our squad coach) and Autumn (one of my best friends on the Race) I talked about really feeling free and released from carrying too much despite everything going on. I felt God holding my hand as I walked through the month.
I recognized that much of what was going on within the dynamics of our ministry and teams’ relationships with our contact and all of the administrative work for the squad was simply not something He was asking me to take on alone. I did not feel that it was weighing me down at all.
My words to Jenny and Autumn spoke to the realization that I had broken free from some of those common patterns in my life and I was not consumed with thoughts about everything that needed to be done, thinking ahead to conversations that needed to be had, or dwelling on words or events that had already happened.
But a few days later, I felt it. I was weighed down. It was a quick realization after waking up one morning and my first thoughts drifting to what needed to be done. I did not know how to climb from under its weight.
I read an email a day or two later from my squad mentor. It made me cry a good bit because that woman walks in such light, and truth and straight up awesomeness from the Lord. It definitely was used by God to flood my recently discovered desert of a heart at point in the month. At the end of the message, she simply wrote “I’m in this with you. Lean on me when you need to. We’re going to get through this together. You’re not alone.”
At the time of reading it, I was so encouraged and I remember thinking, “heck no, I’m not alone. God is definitely leading me and sustaining me right now. And to boot He has given me co-leaders that serve me well and friends that are right here alongside me too”.
But a few days later, I felt it. I was alone. I began believing that not only did I need to carry the weight but I was by myself doing it. I was seeking the Lord and knew I was still making decisions out of His heart at the time, but trying to meet with Him and hear from Him for the things I was personally needing was difficult.
It was as if I could communicate with him about the recipes but He wasn’t with me in the kitchen.
I had the friends present with me in the month, but I knew they were tired too. We all were. And despite communicating with everyone back stateside, and other people within our squad, I settled into this idea that they couldn’t understand. I also knew the month was coming to an end and I could gut it through to the end.
But we were not meant to strive.
