For whatever reason, God told me in this past February that my ministry on the Race would be my squad.
I was sitting in a coffee shop reading blogs, journaling and reading in my Bible as I often did back when I was back home and in a stream of consciousness, I began writing what I was hearing in my heart.
Your squad will be your ministry.
The words stared back up at me and I cringed a little bit. My friend, Evan, had already told me that I would be a team leader. This sentence was strewn across the page with a flurry of my pen. It did not take long for me to question what this meant for my Race.
If my squad is my ministry, what is my Race going to look like?
No, God did not give me all of the answers that day for what each day of this crazy adventure would hold. But He did move my pen again.
Your passion will come from me. It will be for those on your squad.
Cool…
But what did that mean to me then? In my mind, I jumped to a fear of being named a squad leader. I knew enough from friends that did the race and from my avid blog reading that this was not something I was ready for.
A leader of 50+ people. People that I didn’t even know. And people that didn’t know me. It was a bit much sitting that day in the coffee shop. And it was that bit much that I carried into training camp last May.
I hid during training camp. I did not interact with a bunch of people. I did not have facebook then and I had also just switched squads, so I really had no clue about the people I was going to be spending the year with. It made it easier to hide.
If I hid, then I wouldn’t be named a team leader. And if I wasn’t a team leader, then I couldn’t become a squad leader. And God could ask me to alumni squad lead when I knew a little bit more about Him, myself, leading, the world, the Race… etc.
But by the end of the week¸I was asked to make a decision to lead a team. Knowing that I could choose to be disobedient to His voice or step into the fullness of what He has for me, I chose to wear a coat bigger than myself. Jonah was swallowed by a whale, I did not really want that.
I got home and about a week later as I was moving out of my apartment, I was in the local Barnes and Noble sucking up free wifi. Already, I had become a World Racer locust. I skyped with my same friend that prophesied I would be a team leader. After talking about camp, a couple of ‘I told you so’s on his side and a few groans on mine, he then told me that I should get ready for squad leading.
Ew.
In the back of my mind was the full awareness of what I wrote in my journal back in February. The idea of alumni squad leading would have been my preference but in saying yes to God about being a team leader, I was keeping open the door to squad lead this go round.
Fast forward a few months, I am doing this thing. Team leading was stretching. I would not have learned as much about myself, about God and about my team or squad had God not asked me to take on that role. It sucked at times. so much. But I learned about relying on Him. I grew in my discernment for His voice and learned how to be more decisive. I was surprised as my voice grew stronger in encouraging and challenging others. I talked on the phone, a lot and I hate talking on the phone. I saw ways to empower my team and did… sometimes out of my own thoughts to push but when done well, out of his heart and desire to push others to greatness…
But as time went on, I realized what was coming. There would be decisions made, and alumni squad leaders would go home because their role in our race would be relatively finished. And I began to worry. Fear crept in. And questions flowed.
i’m not capable. I can’t do this.
i’m unapproachable.
Am I supposed to squad lead?
What if I am? What if I don’t?
My voice is not strong.
People don’t know me. Will anyone even know me by the end of this?
Why do I seek others’ approval?
Why can’t I trust You?
By the time we reached Nepal for debrief, I was confident in one thing. I was scared of what could be asked of me. I knew who the other raised up squad leaders were going to be because God gave me assurance in them in previous months. As debrief progressed with team meetings and one on ones, I had swirling thoughts in my mind.
I was asked to have a secret meeting in my own room one night after a squad session of worship and talks. My response was “crap”.
Worship that night gave me time for fervent prayer from a petrified heart. God directed me back to my journal. To the page that carried these words:
You bring life to others. Your voice carries wisdom and discernment that I give you. You trust my voice, but your trust and faith in me needs to grow. Your faith in my heart for you needs to grow. I see you my dear. Allow the growth.
Do not reach into the lies and the doubts. Remember my voice. Singing over you.
As for your questions of the future, have I ever let you down before?
You will lead.
Boldy because I am making you bold.
Wisely because I am giving you wisdom.
With abandon, because I am leading you.
You will lead in intimacy with Me.
In weakness, carried by My strength.
People will not know you, they will know you through Me and this is better.
You are ready my beloved, The very questions of your heart tell me so.
I’m in the middle of month two of squad leading. and already, I feel far more FREE than I ever have before.
