I apologized to my squad the other day.
I first learned that the squad would be all together for a second month early into our squads time in Moldova. It was planned that our squad would serve together in Northern Ireland, with a crackerjack church called Vineyard for our third month of the race.
I laughed when I heard the news. For a few minutes.
I laughed, because few days prior to learning the news, two of my fellow team leaders and I stood before our group of women in the Princess Palace, challenging them in and declaring the month to be one that changed our squad for the better. That there would be power that would rise from a group of women on a squad united in love and grace for each other.
And now God would let us use this sooner than anticipated. And in a way that has never happened on the race before. Our squad is the first squad to have two months all together. And it is only month three.
When the news was shared with the entire leadership team on a retreat in Chisinau, we spoke excitedly about what a second month like this could do for our squad. A squad truly united and willing to fight for everyone. We talked about the redemption of things that we could have done better month one in Romania. And we talked about the crazy opportunity it was. And we talked about how God must have more for our squad to learn together.
But we also spoke of the need to ensure team dynamics and team unity are emphasized and at the forefront of our focus for the month of Ireland. We knew our teams and the things that had been brought out of month two. We knew the challenges from month one and the growth that had taken place in our teams since then and we did not want to undo it with a repetition of some patterns from month one. Our thought was to continue to build our relationships, trust and unity within our teams while also allowing some opportunity to bring it to the squad. And we left the retreat and entered into this third month carrying these thoughts and hopes.
Without realizing, I was making decisions to preserve something that I thought I could protect. I was trying to preserve the ways that my team had come together. I was trying to save how the women on Team Doulos are learning to show love, commitment, grace, courage, joy and honor to one another. And to provide a way for that to continue this month despite the chaos of 53 people sharing the same building and ministry contacts.
As team leaders, we met and poured over the schedule within 24 hours of arriving in Northern Ireland. We quickly realized that the hopes and occasionally the promise of providing our teams with ministry together and making our teams the priority would not work this round.
With frustration rising, and more and more acceptance that this month would not look like we had hoped, we as leaders paused, later than we should have, for prayer.
Walking into this month, I prayed powerful, desperate prayers for it to be a month filled with Gods voice for me, for my team, for the other leaders, and for my squad. But I did not stop to listen for His voice.
Until we decided to lay down our rights. Our expectations. Our fight for our teams. Our attempts to preserve things that are not ours to begin with. Our need to be in control. Our efforts to claim the work that God has done so far in our squad and in our teams.
This may seem harsh, but at some level, these are the real issues of my heart. Because I was not ready to trust God with His plans for the month. I was not ready to trust Him in guiding our steps, or even mine alone.
I apologized to my squad the other day.
I apologized because I was asked to do so. By my Papa. Who gives grace and is patient with me.
I apologized because originally when I heard the news about sharing this month all together, I claimed to not carry any fears about it. But only excitement.
But at every opportunity to operate in boldness and courage, I chose fear.
This month now looks different.
Because it is one that has been surrendered.
In absolute faith and trust that God knew I would be here, now, with the women on Doulos, and the other 46 brothers and sisters that serve with us. And this month we will serve together as a squad, in the way that God has challenged us to do. And boldly and confidently, we will call each other up in love, honor and truth.
Because I read somewhere that God recommends it
