See part 1 here
And then a question was asked. “Who do you see as a leader in this group?”
Tina spoke first. “Amanda.”
Then Logan followed suit and said my name.
Nods went around the table. My eyes widened and my thoughts were no longer with the group sitting at the table. I am sure my face was contorted as confusion moved about in my mind.
Sure, I speak up when I needed to, but I am not the leader here. Did I really take charge? What about all week? I did not try to stand out. If anything I hid. I have not even talked to everyone here. I was not even all that outgoing or engaging with everyone.
This whole week, You have been telling me it’s time to stop focusing on others. These girls probably do not realize that it is not time for me to lead. I need a break from that. Good thing the leaders know this. I’m sure they are looking at the girls across from me to be the team leader. Surely, when You told me to focus on You, and not on others, You were not asking me to lead, but to step back.
The discussion ended around me and my mind was still reeling. We could talk to the alumni one on one if we wanted to do so. I waited and made simple chit chat though my mind was far from it until Poppy was free.
She ushered me to a bench. And immediately I started crying. To say I was overwhelmed would have been an understatement. I do not even know why I cried right off the bat. But Poppy seemed ready for it.
The conversation was full of grace and love and truth. That I sometimes forget is extended to me.
“You don’t think you’re ready do you?”
“Nope”
And I sensed Papa speaking, "That is why you are ready."
“You have a compassionate heart. And the race will be a struggle for you to not take on others burdens. But you can learn how to focus on Him as you depend on Him to lead.”
I left the conversation with tearstained cheeks and for the next couple of hours I mingled with squad mates but my mind was still processing and it got my heart involved too. I was so ready for a nap and/or a cup of coffee.
I went to a meeting at 1:15 pm.
Bill Swan shared with the group that had assembled, “We believe in you and we believe in you as team leaders… take the next 7, no, now 6 minutes and do what you need to decide if you want to accept.”
I grabbed my phone, went outside and turned it on.
I prayed for a minute and told God if this was of Him, He knows I am going to say yes. I have learned that I have to, because while it is scary, it is good.
I scrolled back through old text messages on my phone and found the one I was looking for.
I went back inside and showed the text to Poppy and then to Stephanie, another trainer for the week.
Stephanie, who was on Dub squad with my dear friend Evan, smiled and asked if Evan had sent that this week.
“No," I replied, "he sent it in the fall.”
My eyes welled up again and I said I would do it.
Back in December, I received the text from Evan. And I tried to ignore it. Probably because I didn't want to believe it. Because I already have no clue what I am doing. And I feared the role.
But it was still there, buried in my heart and mind, waiting for me to recognize it. Waiting for me to recognize that God knows what I need far better than I do. And that for this season – this role is what He has for me. Waiting for me to trust and have faith that He is leading me, while I lead others.
I am humbled, and honored to serve as a team leader for team Doulos. This team is full of wisdom, grace and love. And we may not be ready for what He is asking of us, but He goes before us and is with us. And He is so ready for it.
Poppy – thank you for that conversation, and so many others. Thank you. And sorry if I misquoted you… oh, paraphrasing.
To all of the other trainers, staff and downright awesome people that were there for T Squad all week long – Dan, Mac, Carly, Steph, Holli, Tim, Kacie, and others. Thank you. For pouring into us. For your wisdom, faith in Him and in us. For giving a week to 51 T-Rexs (how on earth do you make that plural?) and for loving us so well!
