We’re in Rwanda! Month one is done, and we’re at debrief right across the street from the beautiful Lake Kivu. We’re camping in our tents, and it’s the first time I’ve fallen asleep in my own space since I left Washington. It’s glorious and a little lonely at the same time. It’s like the first night Matt and I didn’t share a room anymore. I can’t believe we’ve only been here a month.
As I’ve reflected on the month, to be completely honest, I feel numb. That might not be what you hoped to hear, but I promise I love it here! With all of the things I’m trying to take in and process, numb is just the best word I can come up with.
The problem with feeling numb is I also feel fake. It’s hard to be vulnerable when I can’t identify how I feel.
If I am all in and fully present, I expect myself to feel something. If I don’t, I assume I’m doing it wrong, and that’s a lie.
I am on the other side of the world, all in, present, being vulnerable, and giving it all I’ve got, and I am not doing it wrong. I’m here with Jesus, and Africa’s lovely!
I feel like there’s more though.
I’ve come to the conclusion, I am as genuine as I know how to be right now, and that’s okay.
God isn’t worried about unidentifiable feelings, but He also has so much more for me. I long for more because there is more. There is always more, and only God knows all of me.
I feel a dissonance because I am not all that I can be yet. God is still pruning and shaping me. He is still revealing new pieces of my heart and changing me as I experience more of Him, and there will always be more of Him to discover. It’s a wonderful thing really.
The beauty of being one of his creations is I’m not a static being. I will never reach a plateau and stop. I just become more and more of my true self as I do life with Jesus. The beauty of becoming my true self is the unknown, and there is so much more to me than I see in myself. I’m not numb or being fake. I’m just growing.
In the meantime, I have a choice to rest or be restless. I can trust God and rest in where I am and who I am today, or worry and wonder who I’m supposed to become.
Right now, I’m just living the dream and trying to be patient in the process.
Pray for me and my team as we start our new ministry this week with Pastor Moses and Rwanda Gospel Center! Pray for safe travels, team unity, and spiritual protection!
Love and miss you all!
