In order to tell you the rest of the story God revealed to me at Training Camp I must take you back to Tuesday morning and explain a conversation I had which brought to the forefront a lie and hurt I didn’t even realize existed. That morning I had a one on one with Mama C, another squad’s mom, to check in and see how I was doing. I knew the previous day had been hard but I didn’t expect myself to start one of those full-fledged ugly cries and for the conversation to lead into my thoughts of inadequacy in my relationship with God.
You see many Christians have what is called a salvation moment, a monumental time in their life where they went from not knowing God to being in communion with him. I don’t have that. I don’t have a specific moment where I remember establishing a relationship with God, I just always felt him. The first time I was asked about my salvation moment was in my late teens and it confused me. I could never pinpoint a moment in my life where I felt I didn’t know God. I could explain a particular moment in High School where God took my relationship with him to a greater depth, but He was still a part of my life before that moment. This particular memory always comes to mind when people ask me to reflect on a moment in my life when I was unconditionally happy. So when others told me I should dig deeper for my salvation moment it frustrated me that many of my brothers and sisters in Christ did not fully accept the story of my walk with Jesus and this lead to me doubt the authenticity of my relationship with Christ.
Was their doubt in my story accurate? I don’t think I have a salvation moment, does that mean I did not know Jesus even though I thought I did?
All of these thoughts were circling in my head the rest of the day Tuesday and really came to head Tuesday night when the speakers talked about “The Role of the Holy Spirit in a Believer’s Life”. The lesson revolved around the pre-conversion work of the Holy Spirit, regeneration/ re-birth into communion with God, and post-regeneration work of the Holy Spirit. I felt this lesson was confirming my fear that I didn’t know God even though I thought I did. I didn’t have a salvation moment so that must mean I didn’t have the Holy Spirit inside of me like they explained occurred after your regeneration or anointment in the Holy Spirit.
These feelings caused a lot of doubt and confusion as to what my walk with Jesus looked like and as to who He was. But God wanted to cast out all feelings of doubt and confusion. He wanted me to fully know my story and to be able to proclaim it to all areas of his kingdom. If you haven’t read how the Holy Spirit embodied in me Tuesday night please read this blog before continuing..
I had never felt this powerful of an expression of God’s love and supremacy in my life. He loved me and wanted to fill me until I was overflowing. He wanted me to know He was with me; He was and always has been inside of me. I just have to be willing to trust him completely so that the Holy Spirit can control me rather than my human desires and selfish needs.
My Journal entry reflecting on Tuesday night –
Lord, you showed all of us a different side of you. You gave us more. You expressed another form of love. You were with us and in us. We called on you and you showed up. We sought you out and you were found. You embraced us in all wholeness.
Tuesday night was an amazing experience of communion with God but I still felt confused about my walk with Christ. I had never felt the Holy Spirit like I did on Tuesday night. Did this confirm my fears that I hadn’t know Christ before this moment? Was this my salvation moment?
Wednesday morning I had another one on one with Alys Sealy, one of our squad mentors. I explained all of this with her and stated, “If I wasn’t born with the Holy Spirit (due to original sin), then I must have received the Holy Spirit before I can remember. It must have occurred in my baptism when I was a baby.”
After this conversation I sought some time with God and went for a long walk to allow myself time to process all that had been revealed to me over the past few days. When walking I asked God to help me understand. I felt so confused and just wanted to know him and be connected with him.
That is when a verse popped into my head.
Colossians
Colossians?
Yes, Colossians.
Okay, Colossians. Colossians what?
Colossians 2:12-14.
Colossians 2:12-14 Lord?
Yes.
I have never had God speak a verse so clearly into my head so I went directly to a hammock I had just passed and sat down to read what God wanted me to know. The verse goes on to state:
“Having been buried with him in baptism and raised with him through your faith in the power of God, who raised him from the dead. When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your sinful nature, God made you alive with Christ. He forgave us all our sins, having canceled the written code, with its regulations, that was against us and that stood opposed to us; He took it away, nailing it to the cross.”
This verse spoke directly to my heart and the lies I was battling. He told me, you were right – I was always inside of you as long as you can remember for I was “buried inside of you at your baptism” and you were raised in a household and community where you knew me. God saved me and claimed me as his own before I could even remember! I have always had a part of him inside of me since that moment and that is why I have always felt I knew Jesus, because I did! And I was raised in a faithful family and was active in the church all growing up. He was with me through all of this!
Now, I haven’t always been close to God and there have been many times where my sins have distanced me to a mere acquaintance of Christ but He made me alive in Christ again! God forgave me of those sins and He took this requirement of a known salvation moment and nailed it to the cross! This regulation that I must know and remember the moment of my salvation He canceled that out for it was a requirement imposed by humans. He is bigger and greater than the common view of salvation or the avenue through which I was “supposed to know him” for this “requirement” had been confusing me and blinding me to the fact that He is GREATER and has always walked alongside me.
For my salvation moment was before I can remember. He marked me as his own before I could even walk..
