Well let’s just call that last blog for what it was… just a tad bit depressing.
Life requires forward motion. We cannot stay in the same place for too long or we will become like Miss Havisham, wallowing in feeling sorry for ourselves and not desiring anything better. Without forward motion we ask our clocks to be stopped at twenty minutes to nine and we cling to the last remaining memories we have of a day or time that we thought was so perfect.
Forward motion can be confusing in a Christian context because so often we are told to “wait on the Lord.” But waiting can be [and should be] a totally active business. We can “be still” before Him, while still taking steps forward into deeper intimacy with Him and into what He is calling us to. We are taught from a very young age, that idleness is not good, so we should keep ourselves busy with tasks. We are also taught to sit still. When we are children it takes all of our concentration to actually physically sit still without moving. Even then, we can only do so for a few minutes before something has to move. Wiggle this way a little bit, move my arm a little to the left, twiddle my thumbs, look around. We are not content with being still.
I remember being in 4th or 5th grade and having to sit on the bench outside the office with one of the boys from my class. I don’t remember if we were in trouble or not, but it was the moment I learned not to be still, while simultaneously not being active. I learned an idle habit.
David was his name, and David was one of the “bad boys”. He talked back to our teachers, he was smart but brushed off his homework as if it were petty and beneath him to do homework. As we sat there in the hallway in silence I heard the fast paced squeaking of rubber on the tile. David was frantically bouncing his leg up and down. A nervous or anxious habit I suppose, but it kept him from being completely still. I remember asking “How do you do that?” and David looked at me like I was crazy. He said, “I don’t know how to tell you how, I just bounce my leg.” I was fascinated, intrigued. Eventually David got called into the office and while I was waiting for my turn, I tried to bounce my leg up and down the same way I had seen David do it. I remember the first few times were awkward because I couldn’t quite get the rhythm of it right. I wasn’t created to bounce my leg up and down impatiently or anxiously. But by the time I was done sitting on that bench I taught myself to do it. I taught myself how to not be still, when I am told to sit still.
The way it played out in my life though became a sign of uneasiness, anxiety, boredom, impatience, and I’m sure the list goes on. So often I don’t think about it. Now, when I sit it is almost second nature. I taught myself an idle motion in stillness to make me feel better about being still. Our spiritual lives don’t work the same way, but we try to make it work that way. We do small, idle tasks that make us feel better about not moving forward, but in the end forward motion cannot be helped.
It does not matter how much you try to move forward when you are sitting in neutral, you aren’t going to go anywhere until you deliberatly put yourself in drive. It is only then that you can begin to move forward. Forward motion begins with an action. It begins in the small and quiet places and then moves into a larger scale. Taking small steps in the stillness gives you the courage you need to take big steps out in the open. I am learning this process. As simple as it sounds, I didn’t even realize I wasn’t doing it, I wasn’t taking any steps, until a friend called me out on it. I blamed it on waiting for the Lord. So often we can get so caught up in feeling like “I’m just waiting for God to guide me somewhere” or “I’m just waiting for God to tell me where to go.” Reality is, he can’t direct us if we aren’t even moving.
One thing my friend basically said to me was “If you don’t start moving in a direction, any direction, you will freeze and opportunities will start passing you by and you will end up doing something you hate because you didn’t take the steps to do what you like.” She also told me that it doesn’t matter if I start moving in 30 directions, when I start moving God will begin opening and shutting doors as needed, which then is Him guiding my life. There is a way to be still and intimate with Him, while still being proactive about your life. It is a hard balance between neutral and drive. But when we put it in drive, He will take us where He wants us to go.
As my time here is getting shorter and shorter I am beginning to take those steps, making forward motion into what is next. There are small steps I’m making every day that are making it easy to finish this season well and begin the next with confidence and grace and excitement. There will be opening of some doors and closing of others, but I know that the right ones will open and close as I continue moving forward and stepping out into the things God is calling me to. I can’t wait to be able to share what is next with you when I know. It is an exciting season for sure.
If you’re a high feeler like me and tend to become overwhelmed by all the options laid before you in any given situation, find a thinker. No, seriously. They can help you process your options in a way that will be beneficial to you and make them seem not so scary or huge. I’m super thankful for the thinkers in my life. Without them I would be a mess. Break down the options into small steps and just move.
Much love,
-A
