What happens when you decide to check out on your life?
It can be a conscious decision or an unconscious decision but suddenly you find yourself not living up to this potential you know you have inside. It has been four months since I got home from my race and I’m not going to lie, I’m pretty checked out on my life. As I sit here reading my journals and blogs from my time on the race I feel as if I don’t even know the person I am right now.
I miss community.
I miss being spoken into daily.
I miss being loved on to the extreme.
I miss finding new places to eat with my teammates where we can only guess at the menu and hope something edible shows up.
I miss my pack.
I could go on but I think you get the idea.
The thing about being checked out is that you [I] begin to glorify things that are only half or partial truths and we adopt them as reality. Let’s take the things I miss for example:
Yes, I miss the good parts of community. But, I don’t miss having to write my name on my food, working out a special shower schedule, or waiting for people who are consistently late.
Yes, I miss being spoken into, but I sure don’t miss getting constructive feedback– which is what I would be getting a lot of these days.
Yes, I miss finding new places to eat, but I quite enjoy when those places speak english and I know I will get what I ask for.
Yes, I miss my pack, but the truth is it was heavy and a pain to pack, unpack, repack, shove things in, etc.
I do not intentionally glorify these things and I don’t know how to fix it. My initial response is to run away and find something new to do, some new experience or adventure that I can just transfer my emotions and attachments to. But I can’t do that.
For one: it isn’t healthy.
Foe two: I just can’t physically do that right now. I am here in the middle of nowhere, Michigan with no car, barely any friends, and my only job is to babysit a few days a week for two kids under age four.
It would seem as if this is the perfect space and opportunity to rest with the Lord and get tighter with him. But it is also the perfect space for me to let my Bible collect dust on my real while I watch Criminal Minds all day. If I’m hungry, I go to the kitchen and get food. If I need different clothes on I have two closets and two dressers full of options. Texting, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, Tumblr, Pinterest, Gmail, and youtube are all at my fingertips almost every second of the day, barely ever more than two feet away. In my physical world I have little need to rely on Jesus. All my needs [plus things I don’t need] are met before it is even an issue. So then why make time today? Surely, I could do it tomorrow.
Soon enough four months happens.
No blogs.
No journals.
Not really even trying to hear his voice.
Avoiding calls from friends who care. [Yeah, sorry, I did that]
Soon enough I almost don’t have the desire to do any of it anymore.
Deep down, though, the desire is still there.
A longing you can feel in your gut amd your toes.
It is the desire of a race horse ready to take off down the track.
And when you find it…
It is easy to hear.
It is easy to hear it when I’m listening. It is just as easy to hear his voice when I’m here in America as it was in Central America, Europe, Africa, and Asia. Just like it was easy for me not to hear when I wasn’t listening there.
The status of my closet or the number of apps on my phone does not determine my ability to hear the Lord when he speaks. It isn’t about how much food I do or do not have in my house.
It is about my willingness to listen when he whispers my name and my willingness to respond:
“Yes, Lord. I am here.”
Something is coming. A change. I don’t know what, but right now is the waiting period. And waiting sucks. It really does, but when it is over, something epic will happen.
I need to check back in though. I can’t just wait for it to happen. I can’t just wait for the perfect opportunity to show up in my inbox with no effort on my part. I need to be an active participant in my life. I NEED TO BE AN ACTIVE PARTICIPANT IN MY LIFE!!
Today I am checking myself back in like an overdue library book. I will choose to be a part of what is happening in my life. For any other WR Alumni who also feel checked out or maybe you aren’t sure what to do or maybe you put your dreams and passions on the back burner take the opportunity TODAY to get reacquainted with yourself and who God says you are. Reorient yourself to the truth of who God is and what he has done in your life.
Your life is not some potential that you’re not living up to. In your life you have potential that needs to be lived out on the daily. So step out and into your inheritance. Be a part of your life. Be in your life.
Much love,
-A
*special thanks to mama Betsy Garmon who spoke such great truth at our debriefs that I needed to reread today in order to write this blog. Love you mama bets! Be in your life!*
