I have prayed the prayer that so many others have prayed and that thousands sing every Sunday in church.
"Break my heart for what breaks yours, everything I am for your Kingdoms cause"
Obviously we are not God, so we cannot say exactly what it is that breaks his heart. Even though this is obvious, we still have expectations for what breaks God's heart and in turn what will break our own hearts.
My expectation [and I feel, some other people's expectation of my race] was generally that God would take me to some remote place in Africa and show me a poverty level I didn't even know existed. My heart would break so deeply that would do whatever was in my power to help them and to reach them to make sure they knew the love of God.
It didn't happen. That thing that everyone expects to happen. My heart didn't break in for Africa. Many people on my squad [as I have briefly mentioned before] had God reveal big things to them in Africa about how they are going to go back and start ministries or join ministries. Many of the people who have supported me or heart about my race were really excited for me to get to Africa. There was a part of me that hoped that my heart would break in Africa so as not to disappoint the people who were [more] excited for me to be there than I was.
*cue people pleasing music*
Then when I was there and my heart didn't break, I tried to force it to break. I tried to make my heart hurt for the street boys; for the people whose homes we went to; for the people I saw at church who were obviously burdened; for the orphans at the many orphanages we went to. Every time I tried I would get frustrated more. I mean what would people say if I went all the way to AFRICA from tiny little Peck, Michigan and I wasn't moved to tears every day.
*cue people pleasing music*
In Kenya month 2 I wanted to give up on Africa altogether. I was ready to check out. I took the ministry option that seemed "easier" because I didn't want to come face to face with things that weren't breaking my heart when they should be. I was afraid that if I went to the ministry that so many of my teammates did [working with the street boys], that my teammates would see me as cold-hearted and numb and think there was a deeper issue going on that I wasn't dealing with. So I picked a ministry that I knew would be routine and would just get me out of Africa.
*cue people pleasing music*
I enjoyed my time in Africa mostly… it wasn't terrible. I only had malaria once. I only got really sick one time in the whole three months. In Kenya we had an amazing family to live with and they treated us so well. I made lots of friends and it wasn't bad. But it wasn't my favorite either. I was ready to leave. I thought that maybe it was one of those situations that you have to leave before you can get real perspective on it. I thought there would be some sort of revelation as the plane was taking off or once I was no longer in Africa. I thought there was still hope that I could tell people how much my heart broke for Africa.
*cue people pleasing music*
Well it did change my life. Yes, Africa changed my life. But not in the way people [including me] expected or thought. I did have my share of heartbreak in Africa. Just not for Africa.
"Break my heart for what breaks yours"
became seeing the joy that radiates out of Africans and knowing that there are so many people in America and Europe who do not have that. America and Europe are the lands of abundance and overflow right? The lands of opportunity? Right? The more joy I saw in Africa, the more my heart broke for the sadness and oppression in the States and Europe. There is a longing in my heart to see Europeans and Americans dance with as much freedom as I saw in Africa. My heart especially longs to bring that freedom to Europe. I desire to be very much a part of bringing freedom and revival to places in Europe that have been sad and heavy for far too long.
I am not really sure yet what this looks like. I am getting glimpses of what it will look like every now and then. Whatever it ends up being will be epic though.
So, no, my heart didn't break in Africa, at least not the traditional way. If there is one thing I am learning about myself it is that I am anything but traditional. I am unique and life is so much more fun this way. Keeping myself out of traditional boxes and pressing in to what Europe will look like in my future.
Much love,
-A
P.S. As for all of that people pleasing stuff, I am working through that.
