“What would you do if I called you back to a season that you have already been through?”
“What would you do if I wanted you to go back to one of the loneliest times of your life?”
“Would you trust Me enough to go back?”
This is what I heard.
This is what I heard.
This is what I heard.
“Would you TRUST Me enough to GO back?”
Would I?
Would I trust God enough that His plans for my life are better?
Would I trust God enough that His plans are the best?
Would I listen?
Would I run away?
So many questions that I didn’t know the answers to.
So many questions that I don’t know the answers to.
Sometimes people think that the race is some amazing thing. It is glorified and held as this amazing thing that is absolutely going to revolutionize your life. It becomes this thing that is going to make you be more holy, read your bible more than you do at home, that there is going to be some sudden change that will make you hear the voice of God in a giant booming voice. That God is always going to speak and he will always listen to your prayers and do what you desire because you are a missionary and you are a racer and you are following his will. That must mean that His will is for him to listen to you, not the other way around.
The fact is, yes, you do change, in some ways you do. But mostly it will be in ways that you don’t expect. I have been through 8 months on the Race and I still feel like me. I have learned things, but it is choosing it every day. The change doesn’t magically happen just because you are on the Race… the change happens because you choose to follow what God wants for you every day. God doesn’t just magically speak to you because you are a missionary, he speaks when you listen. God doesn’t automatically make you fall in love with reading the Bible, but through revelation and the power of scripture he can help you read it in a new way.
I need to see my life this way.
Choosing God’s plan doesn’t stop when my race is over. Choosing God’s plan doesn’t stop just because I get on a plane and go back to the states. Choosing to trust God doesn’t stop just because I will be back where I am supposedly “comfortable”.
If he wants me to go back to any of the places I have come from, I would like to say that I would willingly say “Yes Lord, send me.” But I don’t know if that is my honest answer right now. Because I know that when he sends me, he will use me. And when he uses me there will be accountability for my actions. As excited as I get to walk in his plans and his promise they also scare the crap out of me.
It all comes back to this one. simple. question.
“Do you trust me enough to go back if I asked you?”
How can I trust God to send me all the way around the world… literally… to four different continents and still not trust him?
How can I trust God to put me on the right team on the race, and not to put me into community when I get back in the states?
These were a lot of the things I processed our last two weeks in Kenya part two.
I cried.
I was pissed.
My heart broke again and again for previous encounters.
As I continue to process this I am drawing nearer the line of total abandonment of anything I ever attempt to plan. I thought I crossed it already, but maybe not. Or maybe I crossed the abandonment line and have yet to make it to the brokenness stage… redemption and dependence are on the other side and I know it. But prayers would be 100% appreciated and welcomed as I walk through the next few months trying to figure out what is going to come after the race… while still staying present here.
Sorry if this came out jumbled, my thoughts are kind of mushy these days.
On a totally different note, today I got to ride an elephant, go to a waterfall, and go bamboo rafting with my whole squad family including our squad coordinator [RYAN!!]] and coaches [Randy and Betsy!!] and alumni squad leaders [Mac, Hope, and Caitlin]. It was the most fun and adventurous thing I have done in a while and a great way to finish off our month 8 debrief and get us pumped for ministry in Thailand which starts this week!!
Here are some pictures!!
Much love,
-A
