Were I even able to begin sharing all that my Daddy in heaven has
been teaching me recently, this would go on forever. I feel as though
He has downloaded about 50GB worth of…well, I’m not even entirely
sure what of because I haven’t been able to fully process it all. The
joys of being an internal processor I suppose, though I’m usually a few
steps behind and out of step with the rest so I guess that’s just
fine.
But I feel pretty wrecked from most recent events
and I feel like I’ve just had my face unexpectedly bashed into a steel
pole. It stings. My heart stings and my head is reeling. Really what it
comes down to is that God has in a sense sat on me, (I used to chase my
little sister down and then sit on her just for the sake of watching her
squirm and get upset) though I know Daddy hasn’t done that to me just
to watch me be upset. No. See, I’ve laid out my comfortable,
understanding, self-protecting, independent heart before Him and He’s
pulled every single one of those neat little ribbons apart, exposing the cancerous mass beneath.
How
could I have known? I was too busy running away from any sort of pain
and the fear of hearing the word “no” to realize that my heart had grown
nasty with entitlement, pride, envy, lust and greed (just to name a
few). I was too busy noticing everything I didn’t have but
wanted and all the new ways I could perform for God. I told Him all I
wanted was to serve Him and I knew just how to do it. I’d go away to be a
missionary, hang with some orphans, give hope to prostitutes, and love
on the homeless for awhile.
Yup.
I had it all figured out and God was obligated to provide the means for me to do all this.
Until He didn’t.
Until
I found myself unable to leave. Unable to get a decently paying job,
which affected where I could live, the car I wanted to drive and hell,
while I’m on a roll, I was also pissed about all the other “things” I
couldn’t have, obtain or afford.
So I found myself unable
to perform for God and unable to provide for myself financially,
emotionally, spiritually and physically. I was (am) one hot mess for it
all.
Because entitlement was such an integrated part of my
heart and way of thinking, I was not only unable to recognize it as
such but it also helped me blame God. It definitely made it easy to
believe He was holding out on me and that He didn’t really
have good plans for me. Well, He’s definitely been dealing with that
part of my heart and slowly but surely it is being replaced by a posture
of celebration.
Imagine that…beauty for ashes and a
posture of celebration for a spirit of poverty. Today in conversation I
heard the words “I don’t know where I want to be, but I know this isn’t
it,” come out of my mouth. Could a clearer picture of where my heart is
have been painted? I don’t think so. Though I have more and more moments
of peace, rest and contentment in my circumstances through focusing on
Jesus, it was made pretty clear I’m not there yet.
At least I’m past the start.
I don’t know where I want to be…but I know this isn’t it.
I
also said in this same conversation only a few minutes later, “I’m over
asking God for help with my circumstances, sexuality, finances,
understanding. I can’t do any of it for myself anymore. He’s stripping
me of my own independence by putting me in a place of complete
dependence on Him and that’s terrifying.” The conversation seemed to end
abruptly at the driveway. Time for God to really drive it all home.
I
pulled out of the drive way and started weeping. I could see that I no
longer am seeking God’s face to get what’s coming from His hands. I
really just want to seek His face. And I know. I know
that contentment only comes from seeking the Father. I also know it is a
process, even if I disagree with it. I understand that the greatest
gifts God gives us often come at a great price to us but Jesus’ was the
greatest.
I know these things and still I found myself
being so frustrated. Why was it so hard to listen in this particular
conversation? I was squirming and since I’m being honest, I just wanted
out of my own car. I was listening to Katrina tell me it’s important for
me to “be still” tonight and I swear I almost threw up, my stomach knotted so tightly. As I drove away I realized that it’s all because when I get down to it…
I’m afraid of the still place.
Actually, that’s the understatement of the year. I am terrified
of the still place in my journey with God. What would happen if I got
still and completely naked before before Him with nothing but my wounds,
insecurities, sins, struggles, shame, doubts and worries? What if for
the first time in my journey with God I was as real with Him as a human
being could possibly be this side heaven? What if He didn’t show up?
What if my heart is displeasing to Him? What if He tells me He won’t
send me? What if He decides not to choose me? Or to speak to me? What if
He leaves me on my own to “just figure it out”? What if I’m not good
enough for Daddy to rescue me?
I’m just being honest here.
These are truly the things that my anxious heart is afraid of discovering.
I’ve tried it before. Sitting still with God and no agenda.
It’s
unbearable. It is not fun. It is in no way comfortable and I walk away
when it gets to that point, frustrated for lack of break through.
I
want God to come rushing in like a mother to a newborn infant, speaking
to me in what I assume would be a deep, booming voice full of comfort
and acknowledgement of my tears. But any psychologist, counselor or
student who’s taken human development courses will tell you that at a
certain point babies need to cry it out and learn to self-soothe as a
part of growing up. Besides, we all know that God was not in the wind,
the earthquake, or the fire. . .
But a still small voice.
At
this point I’ll take it! I’ll take what I can get as long as Daddy
doesn’t ask me to just “sit.” Which is exactly what He’s done.
So
I’m crying my eyes out in the car because God is asking me to do what
feels like the most uncomfortable and scary thing He could ask me to do
right now and I hear Him speak to me the scripture “Be still and know I Am God.” Huh…yeah, okay…Daddy.
But
the stillness comes before the knowing. Before knowing career, family, a
church, ministry, bible study, marriage, relationships, or whatever
else there could possibly be.
Just.
Sit.
Still.
Everything
else come from the stillness before God including knowing, discovering
and experiencing more intimacy with the Father. It’s what Katrina has
been trying to tell me, but I just didn’t fully understand it. I’m
human. I don’t want pain. I dislike the unknowing. I am uncomfortable
with discomfort. I know where I want to be and where I am not. Like most
people I’d prefer a “quick-fix.” But if I get real with myself and God,
I would say that I want my Jesus more than comfort, knowledge, money,
or a “quick-fix” kind of walk with Him. At least on most days.
Like I said. I’m not there yet but I’m past the start.
