I guess this could be considered a part two to “Walking Invalid.” It seems I first made a choice to let God do a work in me (in fact I asked for it), and here is the result of that choice! Or maybe this just parallels in some way to what I’ve been learning. Perhaps what I’m sharing tonight is one of those “what? Am I the last one to figure this out?” topics, but just in case I’m not the last or someone needs reminding I’ll share it anyway.
Beth Moore says, “To stand by out of self-preservation
is to be dead already.” When I read that I was struck, and I began
crying. We all do this, every one of us. Why? Because we’re human. I am
flesh and blood. Broken, and my capacity to understand just how BIG and
in control God really is is…laughable at best. So I’m wondering what
areas of my life I “stand by out self-preservation” (or at least what I
THINK is self preserving) and I realize I’m disobedient (like REALLY
disobedient), out of fear I’ll stand still, and even (dare I say it)
refuse and doubt God’s love.
is to be dead already.” When I read that I was struck, and I began
crying. We all do this, every one of us. Why? Because we’re human. I am
flesh and blood. Broken, and my capacity to understand just how BIG and
in control God really is is…laughable at best. So I’m wondering what
areas of my life I “stand by out self-preservation” (or at least what I
THINK is self preserving) and I realize I’m disobedient (like REALLY
disobedient), out of fear I’ll stand still, and even (dare I say it)
refuse and doubt God’s love.
Wait.
Refuse God’s love?
Doubt?
But as a “Christian” shouldn’t
I love being loved by God? I survived a year of seminary school, so
theologically speaking shouldn’t I understand God’s love? Why would I ever admit
something like that? If I believe in God, then shouldn’t I also believe
His plans are good, that He really is as merciful as everyone says He
is, and above all shouldn’t I be able to RECEIVE His love for me? In a
perfect world…yes. But more recently I learned you should be careful
what you ask for. I asked God to draw me near. “God, I want to be
closer to You, tear down the walls of my heart that are the barrier
between us. Heal me, hear me. Let me free fall into the arms of Grace. I want to be
consumed by You, desperate for You…” and then He answered the cry of
my heart in such a way that if I really knew what I was asking for in
that moment then perhaps I would have re-thought uttering such words!
I love being loved by God? I survived a year of seminary school, so
theologically speaking shouldn’t I understand God’s love? Why would I ever admit
something like that? If I believe in God, then shouldn’t I also believe
His plans are good, that He really is as merciful as everyone says He
is, and above all shouldn’t I be able to RECEIVE His love for me? In a
perfect world…yes. But more recently I learned you should be careful
what you ask for. I asked God to draw me near. “God, I want to be
closer to You, tear down the walls of my heart that are the barrier
between us. Heal me, hear me. Let me free fall into the arms of Grace. I want to be
consumed by You, desperate for You…” and then He answered the cry of
my heart in such a way that if I really knew what I was asking for in
that moment then perhaps I would have re-thought uttering such words!
As it turns out….
Deconstruction of the heart = A LOT OF PAIN!
Oh yeah…He’s put me in the refiners fire (I
mean, I did ask for it, didn’t I)? And as soon as I got there, I tried
to run. I tried to preserve the very things of my heart the Lord
actually wants me to be free of and it’s painful.
mean, I did ask for it, didn’t I)? And as soon as I got there, I tried
to run. I tried to preserve the very things of my heart the Lord
actually wants me to be free of and it’s painful.
(I’m speaking for myself here. Don’t let this scare you into running from something God wants to do in your heart. 1. Your experience will be different from mine. 2. You’re just delaying a process that’s going to happen anyway. I’m also really stubborn and learn things the hard way. Several times over.)
To stand by (or run) out of self-preservation is to be dead already.
Were
I able to run from this place, I would essentially co-sign my own
relational death with Christ, something the enemy would love. But in
this desperate, frustrating place the only option is to turn to God. To
cry out to Him, to turn to Him, to fall on my face in complete
surrender and praise Him for the pain.
I able to run from this place, I would essentially co-sign my own
relational death with Christ, something the enemy would love. But in
this desperate, frustrating place the only option is to turn to God. To
cry out to Him, to turn to Him, to fall on my face in complete
surrender and praise Him for the pain.
Praise for pain?
Yeah, I didn’t want to hear that either, and it’s so incredibly contrary to how the world deals with frustration and pain. But as I experienced
today praising God for the place we’re in can be a very powerful thing
because it takes the focus off ourselves and the circumstances we find
ourselves in and it puts our eyes back on Him. And beloved…there’s peace
in that. I promise. I’m just learning this myself. It’s not that my
situation is life threatening, or so bleak and hopeless, it’s that I know the desires
of my heart. I see where I am and where I want to be which is often
infuriating to me. But God is jealous and He won’t have me skipping
steps and then attributing any progress I make to my own doing. I see the inch of progress and get angry and frustrated but God knows when that inch will turn into a mile.
today praising God for the place we’re in can be a very powerful thing
because it takes the focus off ourselves and the circumstances we find
ourselves in and it puts our eyes back on Him. And beloved…there’s peace
in that. I promise. I’m just learning this myself. It’s not that my
situation is life threatening, or so bleak and hopeless, it’s that I know the desires
of my heart. I see where I am and where I want to be which is often
infuriating to me. But God is jealous and He won’t have me skipping
steps and then attributing any progress I make to my own doing. I see the inch of progress and get angry and frustrated but God knows when that inch will turn into a mile.
So as much as it might grate against your flesh to do this…
Praise God for the pain
The frustration
The unfulfilled desire
The season of prep time
Then believe in the things unseen, and we’ll watch our inches turn into miles together.
