At the beginning of this month, while in Nairobi, I found out that a girl, who I had mentored, committed suicide. As much as I wanted to pretend that it wasn't true, and someone was playing a disgusting cruel joke on me, I couldn't get the thought out of my mind: that I should have done more to prevent her tragic ending…
I have since tried to push this memory into the back of my brain and keep in buried there. But recent conversations with some of the children here have brought that back up. Last night during tutoring, one of the girls asked if we could pray together. I don't know how she knew, but this is similar to the prayer she told me to say:
Creator of the universe,
Creator of me,
(this strange new me in Africa)
walk with me,
stay with me,
hold me.
I don't understand all that is happening in my heart. The manipulating of Satan is so dark. It begins with its maiming, life-threatening, soul-shaking consequences.
Are you there, Lord?
Were you watching when that first boy took advantage of her and told his friends that they could too? Were you watching when she was crying in her room, night after night? When she got the pregnancy test back and it was positive? When the thoughts of suicide multiplied, and then multiplied again, and again?
Why did you let this happen to her?
This terrorist inside me… this beast called doubt frightens me.
Do you understand, Lord?
I'm scared of what it's doing to my heart. I'm scared of what people will think, what they will say, how they will react. I'm scared of who I'll be if this is ever all over.
Do you hear me?
Where do I go from here? How do I cope? I'm not at all sure I can find hope in the middle of all this chaos. My heart and my mind twist and turn and end up right where they started: uncertain wounded, angry, hopeless.
I am quickly realizing I have nowhere else to turn but to You. I have a great squad and team who help me walk through life when I fall short. But I look to you for true healing, not just for my heart but for my soul and my mind. Only in You can I find hope for today and tomorrow.
