Will you live or choose to exist and breathe to death…?
I have spent my whole life trying to win the respect of others… Never really knowing who the real me is. I have searched high and low, right and left, but I have never been able to put my finger on my identity. I know my name, how old I am, and my past. But somehow, my past seems fake because of all the masks I have worn throughout my life. I have put on a happy face for the world, while on the inside, I have been falling apart… Struggling to find the real me. I've never been in the popular crowd. I've never been considered in the attractive class. I was an athlete, but even in that I didn't have many friends. I had my coaches and my events. Teammates would be friendly during the season, but once we were off the field or the court, it was back to me, myself, and a bologna sandwich.
At twenty years old, not knowing who you are or who you want to be is an intimidating, and almost scary, thing. I don't know where my life is headed, let alone where it has been. I have dreams, but I don't know if they are real plans or if they'll stay dreams forever. Have I truly lived? Or have I just been existing and breathing to death? It's almost as if I have been puppet-ed around my whole life. Never really aware of where I was going, or what I was doing. Seeking the attention and approval of people instead of the attention and love of the Father.
My relationship with my earthly father has never been, what some call, a super intimate father-daughter relationship. We live together, we speak every so often, and I love him, but there has never really been that heart-to-heart connection that I hear a lot of others talking about. And everyday, I wish there was something more. But more than that, I long for that heart-to-heart relationship with my heavenly Father. It's been a struggle from time to time, but everyday is another step closer to his heart.
So, who am I? That's what I have been struggling to figure out. I am a girl who loves to listen to Christmas music any time of the year. I'm a girl who lives a life where donuts are their own food group. I'm a lover of the King who is struggling every day to take that step closer. I'm a girl who is so deeply afraid to fail, that sometimes I don't even try. I'm someone who needs a little push… a little encouragement here and there. I'm a girl who hasn't always had the caring friends that others have been blessed with. Until lately, I didn't know what it felt like to have people truly care about my heart. But none-the-less, I now know that I am a daughter of the Almighty God. A princess in the Kingdom. A warrior in the army of the immortal. And from this day forward, I'm going to LIVE. Heck, I'm going to live the existence out of my life. That's who I am.
