And I miss the days of a life still permanent
Mourn the years before I got carried away
So now I’m staring at the interstate screaming at myself,
“Hey, I wanna get better!”
-Jack Antonoff, Bleachers
I lost myself. It was long before the Race began. Somewhere when I was trying to find myself I misplaced my true self.
I once learned about self, false self, and true self. Self is who you were at like 5yrs old when you had no cares in the would and behaved unaware and uncaring of the world around you. False self is a very complex person that is ever evolving and developing based on how you want those around you to perceive you. This false self stems from positive and negative experiences with others that we would like to avoid or re create.
My false self began developing somewhere around 11. During this decade of evolution my true self ( who Christ says you are and who you become because of knowing him) stumbled into the scene around 14. Unfortunately over the years my false self was so used to running the show that she continued to bully my true self into non existence.
By 20 I had spent more than enough time being a false “good christian” whatever that means. I was exhausted because it wasn’t me it was just what I knew how to be. I figured if I was gonna be false anyways I might as well be false and have more fun. In my mind I was being less false because I was freely living out and expressing the darkness I felt in my heart. I wasn’t looking for fulfillment because I knew I would only find it in Christ I was just looking for honesty and wild nights.
That is exactly what I found. I walked casually into a friend group that quickly evolved into a family. The loyalty was all new to me as were the wild nights. We could ebb and flow from crazy to chill between graduations, promotions, long hot summer weekends and cold lazy snow days. No matter what we were doing we all showed up just as we were and accepted all that stumbled in just as they were.
During this time of uncovering plain old Amanda, true Amanda (Spirit of God led Amanda) was dropped completely probably in some bar alley of Westport.
There was always a block, a wall I couldn’t move past with my friendships. I was so close to being my full and true self with these people that I have come to love most because they simply love me back. However my false self was still in control, this time not by action but rather by ommission. The safety of my new family had allowed me to grow out of false actions but unfortunately I was still surpressing the strongest part of my true self which is Christ in me. They have no clue who that is therefore they have no clue who I truly am. This is unjust to our friendship.
Why would I hold back the greatest part of who I am from those I love most??!
Fast forward, I have re discovered my true self out here on the race and have begun a strength training routine for her which involves being fed by the living word of God and exercise by putting the love of Christ into action.
I was recently inspired by a girl from home who is a few years younger than me. This sweet treasure is new to a life with Jesus but that means nothing to her. She chases and proclaims him with such fierce authenticity. There is no doubt that Jesus has changed her heart and she is unashamed. She is the same with with followers and non followers of christ. After reading her latest blog tonight I was convicted. I realized I was still leading my friends at home to believe the same person will be returning home to them.
This just isn’t true and I can’t allow the facade to continue. If any of you get a chance to read this know that I will will love you the same if not more however to say that I will return to you the same as when I left would be a lie. Jesus is evolving and strengthening my heart and character everyday! I had to put this out there because the thought of offering my true self to complete strangers while withholding it from those closest to me was sickening and I couldn’t let it go on any longer.
I will no longer be like a wave tossed to and fro. I will stand firm in the teaching of the Lord. Yall have offered me so much over these past two years and I finally have something worthy to offer in return.
S/O: Delaney Kodas, your life bares fruit and you are a natural motivator. Thank you for your complete surrender.
