Sometimes, I get so frustrated with myself.
I have learned so much on the World Race. I have grown and changed so much. Most of my change is internal, it will be interesting to see what the outward perception of this change is when I get back home. When I get around the people that know me and love me the most, will they see the change? I wonder sometimes, because there are many days where even I don’t see it.
“Uggghh, I’ve learned these lesson a hundred times before. Why am I falling into the same traps??” The same lies, the same identity crisis. I’m practically crying, begging my heart to remember, believe once again. REMEMBER, BELIEVE and FEEL once again. All the truths, the identity, the power, the freedom. So much goodness over the past 9 months. But so often I forget it all and walk back into self-doubt, self-condemnation, self-pity, even self-loathing. Self. I fall back into self.
I’m a daughter.
I. AM. A. DAUGHTER.
I’m a daughter of the Most High.
I AM beautifully and wonderfully made.
I AM.
The great I AM lives in me. His Spirit lives in me and is my strength, my joy, my life.
It’s all truth. It’s all part of my identity and therefore part of my change. My identity is anchored because I no longer have to walk in fear of man, something I have allowed to plague my thoughts for years. My newness allows me to walk in more boldness than I ever have. The Lord has shown me my gifts from Eph 4, Rom 12 and 1 Cor 12 on the Race. It’s beautiful to see a bigger picture of who I am in the Kingdom, how I am equipped to build up the body. I have learned that I don’t know how to trust God. You heard me, I’m still learning how to trust God. A year ago if you would have asked me if I trusted God, you would have gotten some attitude filled response in the neighborhood of “Of course I trust God!”
Nope. I’m learning day by day to trust. When I respond in joyful surrender and confidant hope in the person of Jesus, no matter what he is asking me to do, I am walking in trust. When I let fear and discouragement creep in, I’m losing sight of the Person of Jesus and the hope of His promises.
All of this are things I have learned. But again, it seems like a daily battle to actually remember. Remember and walk it out. Live what I have learned day after day. Not feel bipolar, with one day full of joy and life and fullness of who I am, confident and activated. And then the next full of fear and loneliness, doubt and condemnation, jealousy and selfishness.
And when I get home, will I be the only one that feels and sees a change in me? Will others see the old me, or the new life me? Will they hear a change in my words, see it in my actions, feel it in my love? I can only hope, because the transformation isn’t complete. As much as I talk about the things I have learned, the goodness God has shown me, the revelations and truths I have had, they are still not solid. They are not daily. Oh how I long for them to be. How I long for them to no longer just be on my blog or in my journal, but in my heart, mind, words and actions, daily.
Please Spirit, continue the sanctification you have begun. Continue the good work in me. Continue in the deep and dark places of my heart and let it radiate out to the world around so they can see you in me. So they can know you more too. Let me be who you have created and intended for me to be. Help me remember.
