These last two weeks, were not what I came on the Race for. Frankly, these have been two of the hardest weeks I’ve had in many years. This isn’t what I signed up for, this stress, this drama, this heartache.

 

“I’ve so had it with squad leading”, I’ve thought many times these past two weeks. This is not why I came on the Race. I don’t want to just get by, I want to thrive. I want to run, but I feel like I can barely get up off the ground, let along walk. This has been my last two weeks and it’s been exhausting.  

 

But today, was beautiful. Today, was what I was made for. The dancing, the laughing, the singing, Africa. My heartbeat was loud in my heart, full of joy. Today was full of orphans laughing, children dancing and brokenness being restored. 

 

20 or so kids, ages ranging from 3 to 17, met us at the orphanage upon arrival. The cement building was nothing impressive. One large room, with no tables or chairs, for eating and meeting together. A few bed rooms with bunk beds for the kids, that was pretty much it. 

 

Despite the humble circumstances, there was joy in this place. Oh the joy, but it was married with deep heartache. The caretaker was giving out hugs with a big, African laugh, but the little girl at my hand wouldn’t crack a smile for anything. She simply held on.

 

 We moved into the large room for some singing, dancing and stories. In between us being asked to sing and show “American dancing” ( we chose the macarena and the wobble) I sat with one beautiful little girl on my lap. I would guess her to be about 6, a true orphan. There were only about 20 kids at the orphanage currently because Ugandan schools are on holiday. When the schools are on holiday, the orphans with extended family go visit them for the month. The twenty kids that we had left were true orphans, they had nowhere else to go. No extended family. No one else to belong to.  
 

 

This little girl snuggled right up underneath my chin, and I wrapped her up as tightly as I could. In the last two weeks, one of the things I’ve wanted the most was to be taken care of. For someone to see me, to hold me, to take care of me. To tell me to stop being the protector of others, and just feel protected. To not have to be the caretaker, but have someone else take care of me. To feel warm and loved, cared for and protected in someone’s arms. 

 

In this moment, I could feel this little’s girls cry for the same, and I could sit here and provide it for a little while. Telling her with my actions that she was worth two arms to wrap around her and a heartbeat to listen to. If I moved or had to get up she was right there, right back in my lap, as soon as I sat down. With both my arms around her, her head in my chest and my chin resting on her head, the last two weeks were beginning to be healed. All of that, was worth this. 
 

 

We all have a desire to be cherished, loved, protected, cared for. Yes, even the “tough ones”, like me. We desire to be seen and known. In that moment, I could provide that for one little Ugandan orphan. She fell asleep in my lap, and I had a hard time not crying over her. Crying in sadness over her, crying for the joy inside me. 

 

I know I’m made for this, this kind of protection and love. I was made to both receive it, and to give it. Receive and give. Receive and give. I need more receiving, because I was made to be giving. 

 

Towards the end of our stay, it began to rain. I love rain, it always pulls me closer to the Father. In order to not get the car stuck in the mud, our pastor ran out the door to take the car a half mile away or so. Once he got back and the rain ended, I said goodbye to the sleeping little girl and we began to walk to the car. On the way, my shoe slipped in the mud and my flip flop broke. No matter, walking barefoot along this path actually sounded quite fun. Then, our pastor warned us to start going faster, because the rain was coming back. Sure enough, the rain started coming down, and we started running. I hadn’t had that much fun in a long, long time. Running barefoot on a jungle path in an African rain, it doesn’t get much better than that for me. 
 

 

At this moment, I’m still not entirely in love with squad leading, but I’m willing to do whatever my Father asks me to do if only I can hear Him. If only I can feel Him and bring Him glory, and maybe even love on a few orphans in the process. 
 


Hanging out by Lake Victoria!

(All Photos by Toni Groff)