It’s time to let y’all in on a piece of my life that I haven’t yet.
Over the course of this year away, about once a month I debate internally about sharing this piece of my story. But I know it is time to do just that.
Right before I left the States 10 months ago, my heart was broken. I can’t point fingers; it’s nobody’s fault. I simply got really involved with a man as a result of being freaked out that my life was about to be flipped upside down for a year. I grasped at something that I so deeply desire for my life, a real life mushy-gushy relationship, got it, but obviously, the timing was not right.
Neither was our relationship.
Looking back, I clearly see that it was based entirely on loneliness and misplaced fulfillment for both him and me. My mom warned me. I took it as her not being accepting of him, which pulled me further away from my family and deeper into him.
Let me set the record straight. He is a great person. He was loving, friendly, hilariously funny, compassionate, and patient with me. Our time together was always filled with plenty of laughter, whimsy, and fun. He is not a bad man. However, because of the way everything ended, I got really bitter and very unforgiving quickly.
I remember my first month on the Race as I was fresh out of the relationship. I jumped fully into the Race and everything that would distract me from thinking about him because I didn’t feel validated in my heartbreak. It seemed as if he was not struggling at all without me, and here I was in a foreign country, writing off anything that reared up at me. As my team and I headed to our month one debrief, I sat in my frustration as I wrestled with allowing myself to actually feel something.
A few days later during debrief, I was having a one-on-one with my squad mentor Stacy in Boca Chica, Dominican Republic. As the tears fell from my eyes, I confessed, “It feels like he isn’t nearly as sad about all of this. He doesn’t miss me, he isn’t upset that he lost me. Why should I allow myself to feel sad, to miss him, to be upset if he isn’t?”
The sun shone across Stacy’s beautiful curly hair as she brushed it out of her face and answered me. She said, “No matter where he stands, you can’t discount your feelings. You have to let yourself feel what you need to feel. To process it and surrender it. Even if he isn’t sad about losing you, you have full permission to FEEL.”
That piece of gold was told to me over nine months ago. Every month since then, the Lord has walked me through a new emotion to feel, but then to give over to Him. I have felt shame, rejection, anger, fear, freedom, redemption, sadness, and courage all due to what was taken from me last December. Such a wide range of all the feels! I have learned that when I get caught up in thoughts of how I am alone and invalid for feeling the way that I do, that I can’t stay there. How I feel and what I must process matters, and every time I have allowed myself to lean on Jesus and jump headfirst into each new emotion to conquer, I am victorious.
There’s this amazing song by Johnnyswim called “Let it Matter.” The lyric, “If it’s fragile and it shatters, let it matter.” I see each emotion presented to me as a beautiful, antique teacup with a pretty matching saucer. I could line them up on a shelf, and tiptoe around that area, careful not to shake or knock things over. To keep everything looking great in presentation, but if the ground shook at any given moment, there would be a disaster. A pile of glass shards that would cause more pain and inconvenience. Emotions that were never taken on and grieved, back to distract me from what’s in front of me. Or I could take each cup, each emotion, feel it, surrender it, and watch it slip from my hands. Yes, it will still shatter, but the pain and cleanup process isn’t as overwhelming and daunting. Little by little, piece by piece, things can be restored.
It has taken this entire year to be able to say that I am standing on the other side, but only because I allowed my emotions to matter. So here’s your invitation; feel it all, but don’t get stuck there. Process, grieve, surrender it all to Jesus. Let it matter.
