Six months. Plenty of time to make memories with family and friends, finish well at work, raise my funds, and get the other miscellaneous aspects of life in order. I am sure that is how most people would think about this time frame. However, unfortunately, I am not “most people.” In my mind, 6 months feels like it will race by, feeling more like 6 weeks, and over the last few days, I have realized just how wound up I have been. I have been taking this on in my own feeble, emotional, human strength. And I am tired.
It is so easy to get jealous and anxious when I look at other Racers who will launch at the same time as me who have already raised much, much more than I have.
“What am I doing wrong?”
Obviously, that is not the right mindset to have, and when I stop to think rationally, I am fully aware of how wrong it is. But I still allow my anxiety and fear of not reaching my goals to overtake my trust in God’s plan. I have become the “Yes Girl,” taking on anything and everything I possibly can. I have tried multiple creative fundraising efforts that I picture to be huge successes, but they just seem to flop.
Perhaps it is because my heart is not truly behind those endeavors. Perhaps it is because I did not consult Holy Spirit about whether these options were actually right to pursue. Perhaps it is because He has already shown me how He provides, and constant chatter and useless schemes are not part of His plan.
Perhaps it is all of the above.
The words that He keeps bringing to my spirit over the last 24 hours have been “quietness and trust.” I have reflected on the times when I have been encouraged and supported in huge ways throughout this process, and they have always been more intimate, personal interactions. Making eye contact, sharing my heart. Ending with a hug, shared smile, and a full heart.
One of the greatest volunteers on a Sunday morning, catching me to ask how things are really going. The sweet girl from our youth group I saw in the grocery store who told me she is praying for my trip. The friend from years past who sent a gift from my REI registry, along with an encouraging note. The family from church who is filling one of my change jars and following my blog. My distant family members from miles away, sending me cash wrapped in sweet notes. The friends who have emptied their closets and garages for my upcoming yard sale. A voicemail from my stepdad in which he says, “You have stepped out in obedience and faith. Now trust Him.”
These “quieter” moments have been the ones to propel me forward. I’m receiving them as little “winks” from God to keep me headed in the right direction for this Race.
The question is, how do I maintain this attitude of quietness and trust? Well, because I am so stubborn and thickheaded, this trust has to be cultivated not only day by day, but moment by moment… Maybe even second by second! Seriously. It’s that much of a struggle for me at this point.
I love how Sarah Young put it in this amazing devotional of hers called “Jesus Calling.”
“Trust me one day at a time. This keeps you close to Me, responsive to My will. Trust is not a natural response, especially for those who have been deeply wounded. My Spirit within you is your resident tutor, helping you in this supernatural endeavor. Yield to His gentle touch; be sensitive to His prompting. Exert your will to trust Me in all circumstances. Don’t let your need to understand distract you from My Presence. I will equip you to get through this day victoriously as you live in deep dependence on Me. Tomorrow is busy worrying about itself; don’t get tangled up in its worry-webs. Trust Me one day at a time.”
Also, Isaiah 30:15 says, “…in quietness and trust is your strength…”
And then there’s Matthew 6:33-34.
“Seek first His kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”
HELLO. YES. Speaking directly to me, Sarah Young, Isaiah, and Matthew. When we trust Him enough to seek His purposes, the things we voluntarily tangled ourselves in work out just as He planned. The worry-web releases us and we are free to latch onto our Father. When the madness has faded, I can finally hear His quiet whisper rush over me and say, “Alright girl, are you ready to trust me now?”
So here’s to me closing my trap to let God speak. Here’s to allowing His plan to unfold, in His timing, in His way. Here’s to the beautiful sound of silence and the perfect results of trusting Him with what is ahead.
Yes, Lord, I am ready to trust You.
