Still overwhelmed. Not unhealthy thing. Probably in one of
the most spiritually healthy places I’ve been in a long time. But still working
on explaining that, even to those who know every detail of the experiences and
struggles and victories of the last week. So again, going out on a limb here
and just copying stuff out of my journal. Still haven’t checked internet since
I posted the last one. It’s honest, raw, open… So setting of this entry: The
Awakening had just ended the night before. We woke up and met as a squad at 9
Friday morning. The new teams were announced and then we were told to go find
three hours of silence. I went to this park near our campground, spread out
Joy’s tie-die wrap and laid in the sunshine for a few hours before writing
this.
sweet artwork from our resident O squad artist-Kirsten George!!
I lay down in the middle of an expanse.
I lay on my back, turning my face to you.
I’m here facing change.
I’m here after the rocking of my foundation, my family, my seven, my home-my
team.
We’re breaking up.
No, we’re entering an open relationship with 49 others.
It won’t be the same.
No, it won’t. That’s such a good thing. Things are the same while they grow.
I’ve known this was coming.
I’ve heard the heart behind the change.
I’ve had the chance to ask questions and ultimately to respect the God-filled
decision.
I’ve had time for peace to settle securely.
During the shift, while others were feeling their foundation
rocked for the first time…
mine was rocked again.
Not from the realization of ‘Oh this is actually happening!’
Not from ‘Oh, I forgot they were on my team.’
Not from the excitement I have about how God’s going to use this.
Not from a revelation of what this is gonna look like or how it’s gonna work.
But from a revelation, a realization…two actually.
First, I felt this overwhelming sense of desire for the 48
sitting beside and behind me.
I couldn’t see anyone’s reactions.
I couldn’t comfort, talk thru, hear their hearts.
I couldn’t offer peace at this time.
I couldn’t celebrate with or challenge.
That’s what I was desiring.
Second, the fact I couldn’t do any of those things…that’s a
good thing.
I still have a daddy who wants to hear my heart.
He wants to know what I’m thinking.
He wants to know about the place of peace I’ve come to about this decision.
He wants to know that I’m feeling overwhelmingly honored to even be around this
squad.
He wants to know what I’m feeling.
He wants to hear my worries, my fears, my pain and He wants to wash them away.
He wants to know where I want to be-standing directly under the waterfall He is
and only living in a place where what I am is just a splashing of His water off
of me.
And so I find myself here,
in the middle of an expanse.
A field of lush, green Irish grass.
Laying on my back.
It feels alive, everything around.
The breeze whispers around.
Grass rippling beneath y fingers, back, feet
I feel like I’m laying on water.
Praise, the desire to praise, is filling me like never before.
Because there’s nothing else to do with this feeling.
