"You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our heart is restless until it rests in you."
St. Augustine of Hippo
Have you ever been in a place where you feel like the world around you is moving forward but you aren’t moving with it? It’s kind of like your body is there, but your mind and spirit are in a totally different place. You’re just going through the motions, day by day, and it’s all you can do just to keep up. You are doing all you can to survive, but you’ve forgotten what it’s like to thrive.
I have had many moments like this throughout the past few years, but especially last year. I often found myself making too many commitments, and trying to accomplish more than I could handle. At one point I was planning math lessons the night before I was going to teach them. I was teaching Bible study lessons that were already written because I didn’t have the time to sit down and rewrite them. Before I knew it, I had volunteered to teach three bible studies and I was in two others. My goal each morning was just to make it through the day, and in the meantime I noticed my relationships with the people I love most began to suffer. My spirit was restless, and peace seemed so far away. I was so caught up everything I had to do, that it was easy to drown out the voice repeatedly telling me to “slow down.”
But God never backs down does He? He continued to speak, and He tried so many times to get my attention. He kept saying “Rest in Me. Abide in Me. Make your home in Me.” But I wouldn’t listen. Not really. Because I had too much to do…
It painful to think about how often God tries to get my attention, but I ignore Him because I’m too busy. I find myself saying those words a lot. I can’t meet a friend for coffee because I’m too busy. I can’t go home for the weekend because I’ve got too much to do. I didn’t realize it at the time, but my lack of resting in Him resulted in disobedience to my Father. Probably in ways that I still don’t realize.
Recently, I’ve been reading a lot, and one of the books that has just totally captured my attention is a book by Seth Barnes, the founder of the world race, called “Kingdom Journeys.” In his book he writes, “restlessness is a gift.” This is not necessarily a physical restlessness, but an internal restlessness. The kind that may start with God telling you to "go," but instead of listening, you try to ignore it, and continue in your own routine. This is what I did. Last October I heard God tell me to go, but insteading of pursuing Him in that, I think I just hoped that He would change His mind, and let me continue to live my comfortable life right where I was. God used restlessness to get my attention, redirect me, and call me into further dependence on Him.
After a solid year of restlessness, striving to live by my own accord, but knowing God had different plans, I accepted that God wanted me to “go.” Where- I did not know. I just knew it was what He wanted for me, but still I tried to change His mind. I wrestled with Him, and tried to keep doing what I was doing, and plan my life in a way that made sense. But sometimes God calls us to do the things that don’t make sense to our human minds, things that require FAITH- Like using a staff to part the red sea, building an ark when you’ve never experienced a flood, offering your son as a sacrifice, fighting a giant, when in your flesh you are so weak…or simply getting up and leaving everything you know to enter a land that He is going to take you to. And He wont let our spirits rest, until we are walking in obedience to Him.
Since I have committed to going on the world race, I have felt more peace than I have in a long time. I have recently learned to thank God for the season/gift of restlessness, because even in the midst of my busy lifestyle and unsettledness, God continued to speak until I stopped focusing on my work and chose to join Him in His. He has started to help me see where I have been, and He is giving me glimpses of where He is going to take me.
I cannot wait to walk with Him and go where He goes. I want to move when He moves and speak when He says speak. I want to learn how to be in full submission to Him, just as Jesus was. I want to grow in faith, so that instead of drowning out His voice, I seek it like a dying man in a dessert seeks water.
Maybe then I will learn what it means to live in a way where I am not just surviving, but thriving.
“For the person who has entered His rest has rested from his own works, just as God did from His. Let us then make every effort to enter that rest, so that no one will fall into the same pattern of disobedience.” Hebrews 4:10-11
